Can You Love Someone Else Without Loving Yourself First?

I ran across an article in which the author argued that you do not have to love yourself in order to love someone else.  He states that for some, self-loathing has no bearing on the ability to love another.

Check out the article here.

  

Are You Dating A Mr. Right Now?

In a previous post, I discussed the phenomenon of women dating Mr. Right Now instead of waiting for Mr. Right.  But I realize that many women do not know the difference.  Although it is not an exact science and ALL of these may not apply, here is my take on the differences between the two men.

Mr. Right Now:

• He does not want a relationship with you
• Your friends and/or family question why you are with him
• He mostly communicates with you through Facebook and text messages
• You feel that you are with him out of necessity
• He will not discuss the present or the future of your relationship
• He would be Mr. Right if he would just change _____________ (fill in the blank)
• You can not imagine being in a relationship with him
• He can not tell you why he likes you or only refers to what you do for him
• He has a couple of your relationship deal-breakers
• You consistently question the validity of your relationship 
• His mother/friends tell you that you are too good for him
• He comments on how different you are from the women he usually dates
• You do not feel good when you are with him
• Things he says/does can change your mood or feelings about yourself
• He does not respect your time and plans things last minute with you
• You ask other people what they think about him 
• You get an empty feeling when he is gone AND when he is there
• Your behavior changes when you are with him
• Your need to be loved outweighs your feelings toward him

Mr. Right:

• You do not question his intentions toward you
• You do not need others to approve of your relationship  
• He can/will discuss a future with you
• You are completely yourself around him
• He does not go against your relationship deal-breakers

You can tell by the length of each list that the choice is pretty simple.  I am not suggesting that Mr. Right Now is a creep and Mr. Right is Prince Charming.  Sometimes situations, timing, and our level of self-awareness can make Mr. Right a Mr. Right Now or vice versa.  What I am suggesting is that a relationship with Mr. Right Now is a waste of your time.  He also keeps you from meeting Mr. Right or working on yourself so that you can meet Mr. Right.  

For those of you who would rather be with Mr. Right Now than be alone, I am sorry to have wasted your time.  For everyone else, I assure you that Mr. Right does exist and he is well worth the wait.      

Mr. Right vs. Mr. Right Now...Is It Worth The Wait?

In our current dating culture where hook-ups are widespread and customary, both young and seasoned daters alike enter into relationships which lack clear definitions, expectations, and rules. Despite being biologically and socially wired to seek commitment and exclusivity, many women often settle for the status quo.  They sustain relationships with men waiting to see if something casual will turn into something more serious.  It appears that the need for companionship often outweighs the desire for something real.


We see this scenario play out time and time again.  Take for instance the recent split between George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis.  

Woman meets man.  Man tells woman that he is not ready/able/willing/interested in marriage/monogamy/commitment.  Woman continues to see man in the hopes that he will change his mind or that she has the power to change him.  Eventually they break up and woman realizes that man was not Mr. Right but was Mr. Right Now. 


So why do women continue to settle for Mr. Right Now?  Is there a lesson to be learned here?


1.  Women are socialized that being alone = you're damaged goods.
Although we have made huge strides for gender equality, women are still consistently judged based on their dating status.  Unfortunately, this only increases with age.  Women in their 30s and 40s are often asked by family and friends of their current dating status and single women often feel pressure to justify why they are single.   This  can place undue pressure on a woman to get a guy just to say that she has one.


2.  Women feel that there is a lack of quality men out there.
This is especially true for professional women and those who are members of minority groups.  For some the mantra is "All the good ones are either taken or gay."  This ideal, which is false by the way, will increase the likelihood that a woman will continue her relationship with Mr. Right Now instead of venturing out to find Mr. Right.


3.  Women believe the lies that men tell them.
This one may get a few of you a bit angry, but here goes.  You CANNOT change a man.  No matter how many men have told you that you are the best woman they know, or your sexual ability makes them weak, or there is no other woman like you, etc.  While all of these may be true, it is highly unlikely that your actions or physical attributes will make a non-committal man want to commit.  His commitment to you is primarily based on his decision and not you.


In closing, I suggest that it is worth the wait.  I am not advocating for women to be alone, but to be more selective in who they choose to spend their time with.  The attention from Mr. Right Now may feel good in the moment, but it usually hurts a lot in the end.  And it is definitely a lot worse than waiting for Mr. Right.


Want to find out if you are you dating a Mr. Right Now?  Click here


Need additional information, read some of my previous posts:
Was that a Hook-up?
Finding Your Relationship Deal-Breakers
Men You Should NOT date
Top 5 Lies Women Tell Themselves

Is it Time to Break Your Bad Relationship Habits?

Are your quirky behaviors not so cute anymore?  Do your interactions with your partner need some adjusting?  How would you know?  

The following article examines some relationship habits (that many of us fall victim to) which should be abandoned.  

Read more here

Learn To Assert Your Personal Rights

Getting your life in order requires prioritizing and focusing on what matters.  To do so, you need to develop ability to put yourself first.  Not meant in a selfish manner, but putting yourself means that you make your needs and care a priority.  It is impossible to adequately help others without first helping yourself.  Although difficult for most, it is possible.  Use the following rights to establish your place on your priority list.  Keep a copy of these on the bathroom mirror, at the office, on the refrigerator door, in your gym locker...wherever you will refer to it frequently. 

I have the right to TAKE CARE OF MYSELF

I have a right to MY OWN PERSONAL SPACE and TIME

I have a right to have MY NEEDS and WANTS respected by others

I have a right to MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS based on my feelings and judgment

I have the right to MAKE MISTAKES and not be perfect

I have the right to BE UNIQUELY ME without feeling I’m not good enough

I have a right to all of MY FEELINGS, not just those feelings other people want me to feel

I have the right to EXPECT THINGS from others

I have the right NOT TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR OTHERS' behavior, actions, feelings or problems

I have the right to EXPECT HONESTY from others

Adapted from: "21st Century Bill of Rights for Mothers" by Susan Van Scoyoc