The Rules of "Friends With Benefits"

While I am eagerly awaiting the release of Justin Timberlake's (I LOVE him btw!) new movie "Friends With Benefits", I wonder whether or not men and women are capable of maintaining such relationships.  Romantic comedies try to convince us that friends with benefits (FWB) will eventually fall in love and live happily ever after.  Although they may go through some bumps along the way, they express their love and get it together in under 2 hours.     
Regrettably, most real life FWB situations don't turn out as well.  

So this got me thinking.  Can a FWB relationship be a good thing?  In my opinion, yes, but it depends.  There are many factors which will determine whether or not friends can have sex with each other yet keep their original friendship in tact.  I am not suggesting that friends should use each other for sexual gratification or that an arrangement such as this is for everyone.  The truth is, most friendships will not be able to withstand the complexities that are a direct result of having sex.  Emotional turmoil will keep most FWB from returning to their normal friendship.  Therefore, entering into a FWB relationship with your friend is probably not a good idea. 

But, for those who throw caution to the wind and have no-strings sex with their friends, a few things to consider:  

 

Rule #1: Establish some ground rules

Both parties should agree on their own FWB etiquette.  There needs to be a clear understanding of what is/isn't okay.  Do you spend the night together?  Are your encounters spontaneous or planned?  Are you sexually exclusive (if so, what is the point of being FWB)?  Do you tell other people?
These are better answered before sexual activity occurs.  Each party should know what is expected of them in order to decrease the potential for drama in the future.

Rule #2: Communication is key!     

I get that the point of a FWB situation is that you don't have to talk about relationship stuff.  But, in order for it to work, you DO have to talk about relationship stuff.  After the ground rules are set, continue to discuss the situation.  It is important to check in to see if it is "still working" for both parties and how to proceed if it is not.

Rule #3: Know when to say when

Remind yourself that this person is first and foremost your friend and the goal is to remain friends.  Therefore, you may have to put their needs ahead of yours.  Is he/she acting differently?  Do you have a feeling that they are wanting more/less from the situation?  If so, it may be time to end it.

Unfortunately, most FWB relationships only benefit one person.  The one who can remain emotionally unattached and doesn't equate sex with love.  Usually the male will have an easier transition in and out of the FWB situation.  

 

  

Women and The Toilet Seat

It amazes me how many married couples argue about the position of the toilet seat. During my years as a marriage and family therapist, I worked with couples on a wide variety of relationship issues.  Regardless of what brought them into therapy, I would consistently hear complaints that began with a late night in a dark bathroom, ending with an angry wife who had a cold, wet bottom.  


Wives would become irate and wanted to understand how their intelligent, well-read husbands could not grasp a concept so simple as putting the toilet seat down.  Arguments would go on and on about this trivial (yes, I said trivial) issue often resulting in someone calling names and insulting someone else's intelligence.  


I have always thought that conversations like these are a huge waste of time because they:
     1. Do not get at the real issue causing the conflict (lack of communication,        
         feelings disrespected, etc.)
                                        AND 
     2. Only encourage the behavior.  Constantly complaining to your spouse  
         gets similar results as doing the same to children - disregard and 
         resistance.   


Any of you who know me, know that I am a big fan of the work of Dr. John Gottman.  In his 35+ years of studying the interactions of couples, he has found that marital problems fall into one of two categories: solvable and perpetual.


Solvable problems
As the name implies, these problems have a solution, they can be fixed.  Although these problems are quite simple in nature, they tend to cause a good bit of conflict in the relationship.  
Examples: household chores, toilet seat positioning, childcare duties, finances, etc.


Perpetual problems
The overwhelming majority of marital problems (70%) do not have a quick fix.  They are based on personality characteristics, personal beliefs, and those things about us that are not easily changed.  Couples will remain in conflict about these issues for years.
Examples: sex, childrearing tactics, religion, politics, in-laws 


Perpetual problems require more work, understanding, and compromise than solvable problems.  Yet, couples choose to argue about the solvable problems instead of trying to fix them.  It was my job as a therapist to encourage them to fix the solvable ones which allowed more time and energy for us to focus on the perpetual ones in therapy. 


So, back to the toilet seat.  Ladies, let it go!  I mean, how hard it is to look before you sit? Not to let the guys off the hook here, but you must pick your battles.  I would much rather have a husband who consistently leaves the toilet seat up than a Tiger Woods, Jesse James, Ike Turner, or Bernie Madoff wannabe.  


The bottom line (pun intended) here - Isn't a cold, wet bottom worth the valuable time spent working on perpetual issues in your relationship?  If your answer is no, you may need to seek the help of a divorce attorney...once you dry off.
      

Family Dinners

In a 2009 CBS News poll of parents with children:

• 74% eat dinner as a family most of the time during the week
• 64% report rarely texting, emailing, or talking on the phone during dinner
• 53% always or sometimes have the television on during dinner

Numerous research studies have emphasized the importance of family dinners.  Eating dinner together has many benefits for the entire family, especially children.  Just two dinners per week can have the following effects:

• Increase self-esteem and body image
• Decrease risk for juvenile delinquency, substance abuse, eating disorders, and other risk behaviors
• Increase academic achievement

Through communication at the dinner table and increased involvement, parents can expect positive outcomes as a result of family dinners.  

Need ideas for your family? Follow these simple tips:

Have a set time for dinner - which gives your family time to prepare and make dinner a priority.  

Stick to positive topics - this is not the time to discuss bad grades, broken curfews or dents in the family car.  Keep the conversation light and happy.

Involve children in meal preparation - allow kids to help with grocery lists and shopping, chopping fruits and veggies or making a fun dessert.  

Turn off distracting devices - t.v., cellphones, mp3 players, and computers should take a nap during dinnertime.  The only entertainment needed for family dinners are conversation and family interaction!

The Joy of Saying NO

Is saying NO selfish and mean? No, in fact it is just the opposite. Saying NO spares the "asker" from getting mediocre participation (possibly with an attitude) and the "askee" from resenting the request or having unrealistic expectations of the outcome. Women in particular have difficulty saying NO as they fear being judged or being cut-off from the people asking of them.

The few things in life I regret are decisions made for someone else. Instead of doing what was best for me, I often put the needs of another ahead of my own. There were times I said yes because I didn't want to: a) hurt someone's feelings, b) disappoint them, c) risk not being liked, or d) miss an opportunity. In the end, I felt bad and did not get the benefit of any of the above.

But in times when I said no (due to putting my needs first) I felt overjoyed. It was like a weight had been lifted off my chest, and I could breathe for the very first time.

Therefore after much trial and error, I learned to put my needs first and I started saying NO! Here are some ways in which you can incorporate saying NO into your life.

Just say NO when you:

• Don't have to do it and REALLY don't want to do it
• Are hoping that saying yes will change how the person sees you
• Will have an attitude while doing it
• Don't have the time, money, or energy to do it RIGHT!
• Need validation that the person is not willing or able to give

Saying NO is not always appropriate as we have to do some things whether we want to or not. But, it is helpful to alleviate feeling devalued, exploited, overworked and regretting decisions made for others and not ourselves.  

Learn to assert your boundaries and put your needs first and just say NO!   

           

      

5 Things You Should NOT Say In Any Relationship

Advice for friendships, intimate relationships, family relationships, etc.

1. I don't care.

This one is pretty self-explanatory. Either you are hiding your true thoughts or you really don't care.  If it's the latter, you should rethink the relationship.

2. I hate you.

Hate is a strong emotion that is very similar to love.  Therefore, hating someone is in a sense loving them.  Deal with why you are having negative emotions as a result of loving that person.

3. Why are you in my life?

YOU are the only one who can answer this question.  And if you are asking it, do you REALLY need an answer or do you already have one? 

4. Actions speak louder than words.

Oh, yeah? Then why are you speaking and not acting?  This statement makes you look as if you are trying to convince yourself.   

5. It's not you, it's me.

If this were true, then the other person would be ending the relationship.  Be honest and state why you want the relationship to end. 

Interactions that Lead to Divorce

In studying thousands of couples over more than 35 years, John Gottman, Ph.D. of The Gottman Relationship Institute (www.gottman.com), has uncovered four relationship interactions that lead to divorce.  Named the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, these communication patterns, if repeated over and over, have a 90% change of leading to divorce.

Criticism-making hurtful or judgmental statements to your partner

People use criticism to blame and attack their partners character.  The focus is on the person and not the undesirable behavior.  Criticism statements will begin with the words, "you always" or "you never".

Examples: "You always hurt my feelings",  "You never take me out anymore"

Contempt-intense negative interactions

Contempt accompanies or will follow criticism in a heated exchange.  Disrespectful statements meant to psychologically abuse a loved one display contempt.  Through verbal and non-verbal means, contempt sends the message of disgust and worthlessness to your partner.  

Examples: Sarcasm, hostile humor, mockery

Defensiveness-biological response to criticism and contempt

In the face verbal attacks loaded with criticism and contempt, people have a natural tendency to defend themselves.  Defensiveness occurs when the pain from being unfairly judged, blamed, and harassed reaches its emotional limit.  

Examples:  Denying responsibility, making excuses, repeating statements, and counter-complaining   

Stonewalling-another defensive tactic 

As the name implies, stonewalling occurs when a wall (physical or psychological) is up to block communication.  Used to diffuse conflict, stonewalling in reality escalates conflict.  The attacker then feels ignored or disrespected, responds with criticism, and the cycle continues.

Examples: Ignoring, leaving the room, physical barrier between you and your partner 

Although difficult to break, these patterns can be changed.  Working on communication and learning to focus on behavior and not character can slowly repair the damage.  Refer to the books below for additional information:   

  

Are Women Catty?

Female-female interactions are called 'catty' when we see statements such as the one in the above video.  Whether in private or public like Carly Fiorina's remarks, women make statements about other women that appear petty and childish.  They are considered catty when negative and about another woman's physical appearance, lifestyle choices, parenting or dating techniques, attitude...

Some argue that this type of communication is not catty, but merely light banter between females.  Suggesting that it is similar to the insult exchange found in male relationships, some insist the word catty is used only based on gender.  Most explanations for the frequency and severity of comments are based on cultural expectations and gender socialization of women in the U.S.    

Competition - Historically women have been socialized to believe that much of their worth is based on superficial characteristics like appearance.  The beauty industry makes billions of dollars each year exploiting this aspect of female culture.  Therefore, women are constantly on the search to gain an upper hand in the beauty department.  What better way to make yourself look better than to point out the flaws in your "competition", right? 

Stereotypes - In naming certain types of female behavior catty, society has thereby accepted and encouraged these behaviors.  Some find it cute when little girls act "catty".  They are taught to stand up for themselves and "fight back" with words and deeds because they are not supposed to express negative emotions in a physical manner.  So instead of learning to negotiate friendships, girls learn at an earlier age how to manipulate, plot revenge, and hurt each others feelings. 

Role Models - Similar to stereotypes, many women emulate what they see in those they look up to (family members, friends, women in the community, celebrities).  Behavior, good or bad, is viewed differently when coming from someone that is admired.  Called the "halo effect", people tend to see only the positive and/or view behaviors in positive light if they look up to someone.  Even bad behavior appears positive due to our opinion of people we hold in high esteem.

In the end, are women really catty or the victims of gender stereotyping?

 

Talking To Teenage Girls About Aggressive Driving

A new Allstate Foundation survey reports an increase in the aggressive driving among teenage girls.  82% of teens use cell phones when they drive and over 49% report that texting is a distraction for them.  The number of girls who make poor driving choices is increasing and has surpassed that of boys.  Girls are more likely to speed more than 10 mph over the limit and less likely to confront peers who exhibit risky driving.

Other interesting findings about teen girls:
    16% admit that they are aggressive drivers
    51% plan to continue using cell phones while driving
    84% will adjust music during driving

Why are girls more aggressive drivers now? We expect boys to take riskier behaviors such as racing, stunts and driving in dangerous conditions.  Girls are more apt to engage in non-driving behaviors (talking/texting on cell phones, chatting with passengers, checking their appearance in the mirror, reading) which distract them from the road.

This presents an interesting topic for parents to address with current and future teenage drivers.  Many overstressed parents are relieved when teens can drive themselves to school and activities, and make trips on behalf of the entire household.  At the same time, parents worry about the impact of decisions their teen makes while driving.  So as a concerned parent, how do you talk to your teen about his/her driving habits?

 

Have conversations about the dangers of driving distractions

Cell phones, cd/mp3 players, mirrors can all cause enough distraction to have an accident.  Suggest that your teen turns their phone off or place it in the glove box or trunk before getting into the car.  Be adamant about the fact that their safety and the safety of others is more important than missing a call or text.  Also, encourage them to check mirrors and adjust music before they start the car.  One resource to use as a family is Oprah Winfrey's No Phone Zone pledge. 

Become aware of your teenagers driving skills

The thought of riding in a car with a teenager sends most adults into a panic!  But one way to measure the driving habits of your teen is to experience it first-hand.  During the ride, take note of the positive things they do as well as any areas in need of improvement.  Discuss these at a later date, DO NOT yell, criticize, or panic while they are driving.

Be a driving role model

As a parent, you are a major influence for your teens.  What you do is more important than what you say.  Therefore, it is important to watch your own driving behavior(s).  Practicing safe driving will encourage your teen to do the same.      

 

Toxic Friendships

According to the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy (2009), friendships are intimate relationships with a mutual concern for the welfare and wellbeing of the other. Some things that friends may do for each other: spend time, perform duties, give advice, etc. Most importantly, friends genuinely want the best for each other.

Friendships that lose this most important relationship feature may become toxic. Toxic friendships lack sincerity, compassion, concern, and support. They do us more harm than good. Toxic friends are overly critical (of themselves and others), perpetually negative, very competitive, jealous and spiteful, self-involved, abusive, and often unapologetic.

Signs of a toxic friendship:
      Are emotionally drained after contact with your friend?
      Is your friend consistently negative in their interactions with you?
      Do you make bad decisions when with them? Or by their influence?
      Are your friends and family opposed to spending time with this person?
      Do you feel that you give more than you get in this relationship?
      Are your needs often unmet in the friendship with this person?

If you can answer yes to 2 or more of these questions, it may be time to clean up some hazardous material!

Sex in the Millenium

Current definitions of sex in relationships are varied.  How you define sex (or what type of sex you are having) may signal more about your relationship than you think.

Hooking Up, Marital Sex, and Making Love: What's the Difference?

Top Five Lies Women Tell Themselves

5.  I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF OTHER PEOPLE'S NEEDS BEFORE MY OWN
It is impossible to properly care for another if you are not cared for yourself.  Women often feel that it is selfish to put themselves before others.  On the contrary, when you make your needs a priority everyone benefits. 

4.  HE WOULD HAVE BEEN FAITHFUL IF I HAD/HADN'T...
You have NO control over someone else, especially their decision to have an affair.  That is a choice that they make on their own.  Even if they considered you in the decision to be unfaithful, there was nothing you could have done to keep them from acting on it.

3.  MY CHILDREN WON'T LIKE ME IF I DISCIPLINE THEM
It is not okay to be your child's friend first.  Children need limits, boundaries, guidance and discipline from their parents.  Those who don't get them will manipulate and later have little respect for their parents. 

2.  HE DIDN'T CALL BECAUSE HE WAS...  
     (too busy, tired, emotionally unavailable, intimidated by me, etc.)
He didn't call because he did not want to.  Period, end of story.  And no you didn't "do anything wrong", he just didn't feel a connection with you.  Because if he did, your phone would not stop ringing! 

1.  I AM JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH
Good enough for what?  for who?  Who says? It is imperative that you recognize your all of your strengths and the areas in which you succeed.  Despite stress, negative situations, and other people's opinions be good enough for the most important person...YOU!

Fireproof (2008)

This movie is a MUST SEE for people in the following categories:

Married 
Engaged
Dating
"Friends with benefits"
Single
Has EVER been in a relationship Has NEVER been in a relationship
Will NEVER be in a relationship again

 Rent it this week/weekend and watch with loved ones.

Pre-Marital Counseling: Yea or Nay?

For those of you who are already married and those who are/would consider marriage, what are your thoughts on pre-marital counseling?

Should it be required for all couples in order to get married?

OR

Is it something that only "troubled" couples need?