Monday, June 27, 2011

Are You Dating A Mr. Right Now?

In a previous post, I discussed the phenomenon of women dating Mr. Right Now instead of waiting for Mr. Right.  But I realize that many women do not know the difference.  Although it is not an exact science and ALL of these may not apply, here is my take on the differences between the two men.

Mr. Right Now:

  • He does not want a relationship with you
  • Your friends and/or family question why you are with him
  • He mostly communicates with you through Facebook and text messages
  • You feel that you are with him out of necessity
  • He will not discuss the present or the future of your relationship
  • He would be Mr. Right if he would just change _____________ (fill in the blank)
  • You can not imagine being in a relationship with him
  • He can not tell you why he likes you or only refers to what you do for him
  • He has a couple of your relationship deal-breakers
  • You consistently question the validity of your relationship 
  • His mother/friends tell you that you are too good for him
  • He comments on how different you are from the women he usually dates
  • You do not feel good when you are with him
  • Things he says/does can change your mood or feelings about yourself
  • He does not respect your time and plans things last minute with you
  • You ask other people what they think about him 
  • You get an empty feeling when he is gone AND when he is there
  • Your behavior changes when you are with him
  • Your need to be loved outweighs your feelings toward him
Mr. Right:
  • You do not question his intentions toward you
  • You do not need others to approve of your relationship  
  • He can/will discuss a future with you
  • You are completely yourself around him
  • He does not go against your relationship deal-breakers
You can tell by the length of each list that the choice is pretty simple.  I am not suggesting that Mr. Right Now is a creep and Mr. Right is Prince Charming.  Sometimes situations, timing, and our level of self-awareness can make Mr. Right a Mr. Right Now or vice versa.  What I am suggesting is that a relationship with Mr. Right Now is a waste of your time.  He also keeps you from meeting Mr. Right or working on yourself so that you can meet Mr. Right.  

For those of you who would rather be with Mr. Right Now than be alone, I am sorry to have wasted your time.  For everyone else, I assure you that Mr. Right does exist and he is well worth the wait.      

Mr. Right vs. Mr. Right Now...Is It Worth The Wait?

In our current dating culture where hook-ups are widespread and customary, both young and seasoned daters alike enter into relationships which lack clear definitions, expectations, and rules. Despite being biologically and socially wired to seek commitment and exclusivity, many women often settle for the status quo.  They sustain relationships with men waiting to see if something casual will turn into something more serious.  It appears that the need for companionship often outweighs the desire for something real.

We see this scenario play out time and time again.  Take for instance the recent split between George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis.  

Woman meets man.  Man tells woman that he is not ready/able/willing/interested in marriage/monogamy/commitment.  Woman continues to see man in the hopes that he will change his mind or that she has the power to change him.  Eventually they break up and woman realizes that man was not Mr. Right but was Mr. Right Now. 

So why do women continue to settle for Mr. Right Now?  Is there a lesson to be learned here?

1.  Women are socialized that being alone = you're damaged goods.
Although we have made huge strides for gender equality, women are still consistently judged based on their dating status.  Unfortunately, this only increases with age.  Women in their 30s and 40s are often asked by family and friends of their current dating status and single women often feel pressure to justify why they are single.   This  can place undue pressure on a woman to get a guy just to say that she has one.

2.  Women feel that there is a lack of quality men out there.
This is especially true for professional women and those who are members of minority groups.  For some the mantra is "All the good ones are either taken or gay."  This ideal, which is false by the way, will increase the likelihood that a woman will continue her relationship with Mr. Right Now instead of venturing out to find Mr. Right.

3.  Women believe the lies that men tell them.
This one may get a few of you a bit angry, but here goes.  You CANNOT change a man.  No matter how many men have told you that you are the best woman they know, or your sexual ability makes them weak, or there is no other woman like you, etc.  While all of these may be true, it is highly unlikely that your actions or physical attributes will make a non-committal man want to commit.  His commitment to you is primarily based on his decision and not you.

In closing, I suggest that it is worth the wait.  I am not advocating for women to be alone, but to be more selective in who they choose to spend their time with.  The attention from Mr. Right Now may feel good in the moment, but it usually hurts a lot in the end.  And it is definitely a lot worse than waiting for Mr. Right.

Want to find out if you are you dating a Mr. Right Now?  Click here

Need additional information, read some of my previous posts:
Was that a Hook-up?
Finding Your Relationship Deal-Breakers
Men You Should NOT date
Top 5 Lies Women Tell Themselves

Summer Dating Tips for Ladies

After much anticipation, summer is here.  It's the time that some take much-needed vacations or have extra time to spend with kids who are out of school.  The weather is great and people venture outside to partake of barbecues, beaches, amusement parks, etc.  But this can also be a great time for single ladies to meet new dating prospects!  If you are up to adding a little spice to your summer dating, try these tips:

1.  Play a round of golf
Gather up a group of girlfriends and head to the golf course.  While most women are not too fond of this sport, the golf course can be a great place to meet men.  Also, it shows potential mates your willingness to participate in something they like.  If all else fails, you can always flirt with the cute golf pro or caddy!

2.  Go outside
Take advantage of the weather and spend more time outdoors.  Take a stroll around your neighborhood (or that of a friend), wash your car, or borrow a pet to walk from a friend.  The key is to be alert and friendly when a cute guy passes by.

3.  Jump in the game
When you see some guys shooting the basketball around or chasing pop flies, ask to join them (make sure there's no serious game going on).  Even if you have superior athletic ability, it is a good idea to ask them to teach you something.  Guys love to teach and will appreciate your effort.         

4.  Try a swim class  
If you do not know how to swim, it is a great time to learn.  If you do, it's  a great time to hone your skills or get more exercise.  Of course public pools will attract families and kids in the summer, but you can also find single guys getting a reprieve from the heat.  Besides, it gives you an opportunity to dust off and wear your cute swimsuits.      


5.  Take an all girls trip
One tried and true way to meet a guy is when you are hanging out with your girlfriends.  I know of countless women who met their mates while on vacation with friends.  You are more likely to be at ease and enjoy yourself, making you approachable and a magnet for guys. 

Last but not least comes a marvelous suggestion from someone I follow on Twitter
(find him here and here  He suggests that ladies should make it a goal to ask out 10 guys this summer.  Your chances are pretty good and you will probably get about 5 dates, because 1 in 2 guys are likely to say yes.

Keep me updated with your progress...