Self-esteem: Not Just A Woman's Problem

Researchers have found that both women and men have similar levels of self-esteem during adolescence and young adulthood.  

Instead of gender as a factor, differences in self-esteem are found when comparing people of different racial/ethnic categories.


The result of this research has many implications for parents, teachers, and clinicians who have historically attributed lower self-esteem to women and girls.  The lack of a gender separation in self-esteem can shed light on determinants of behavior for men and boys.  Also, more research can examine how racial and ethnic differences attribute to a young persons level of self-esteem.


To read the entire article, click HERE

Should Contemporary Women Play Hard To Get?

Throughout time women have been told to play hard to get.  Our mothers, sisters, aunts, and girlfriends insist that men should be the aggressor.  Even the men in our lives agree, sharing stories about their disapproval of aggressive women.  Playing hard to get has worked for generations, but does the same ring true today?    

Contemporary men report that they like when women are aggressive.  According to some men, women who make the first move appear to be confident and sexy, making them more approachable than other women.  An aggressive woman lessens the fear of rejection men have felt for centuries.  It makes their job in the dating game much easier.  


On the other hand, there are men who disagree and do not like it when women are aggressive.  These men feel that their job is to "hunt" and they get excited in the thrill of the chase.  Therefore, when they are approached by women, they feel emasculated and that their contribution to the ritual of dating has been taken away.


With conflicting information as to what men prefer, what should contemporary women do? Should they be aggressive and render men powerless OR should they wait for someone to approach them, thereby risking loneliness?


The answer is that genetics and culture do not lie.  Men are biologically wired and socially conditioned to value the "hunt".  They enjoy being the aggressor and are more than eager to test out their skills.  Women have been socialized to be the "damsel in distress", appearing available and worth the wait.  But contemporary women also have a need to assert their independence and work for what they want.


In my opinion, there is a middle ground here.  Although the game has changed and new rules may exist, the old method is still the better method.  The difference is that "playing hard to get" has taken on a new meaning.  Today's woman can be aggressive while still allowing a man be a man.    


Being aggressive means that you should make yourself more approachable.  Make the first move by getting his attention, pulling him to you, and allowing him to hunt.  Make him think he is the hunter and in control when in all actuality, YOU CHOSE HIM.  But instead of pursuing him, you are allowing yourself to be the target.


To assert your independence while playing hard to get, you should:


Establish and maintain eye contact
The trick here is maintaining the eye contact.  Once you catch his eye, smile and keep looking for about 5 seconds.  After that, look away for a second or two then catch his gaze again.  If he's still looking, chances are that may be interested.  Continue to smile (not too wide making you look insane) and show him that you are open to being approached.  The rest is history.


Initiate the conversation
Scary thought for some women but men appreciate a sign that they have a chance.  Here you do not want to be the aggressor and ask him out, but show him that you are open to being hunted.  Choose what to say depending on the situation.  If you are in a bar or other social setting, you can use a cheesy line to show you have a good sense of humor.  In a more relaxed atmosphere (i.e., mall, book store, friends' house, etc.) bring up something that is relevant to the situation.  Ask him what he is reading, directions to a store, or his relationship to the person whose home you are visiting.  Or use the simple, yet effective, "Hi.  I'm .... and you are?".


Drop something
Seriously.  I have seen this work a million times and not just in the movies.  When the object of your attention walks by or when you pass his way, drop an item.  No clothing ladies (please don't do that) but drop something unbreakable like a book, a pen, your lip gloss, or anything else you can find the bottom of your purse.  If he is a gentleman, he will pick it up.  Then work your magic with the two suggestions above.  If he does not pick it up, cut your losses and move on.


As you can probably guess by now, I am a fan of more old-fashioned rules of dating.  The way I see it, if it ain't broke....        

 

Reasons Why Women Are Unfaithful

According to a recent article, while there are many reasons women are unfaithful, they are more likely to stray when there is no passion left in their relationship. 

The article goes on to list 6 other things women report as the reasons why they had affairs.


For the record, I disagree with all of them.  Just like men, women are unfaithful for TWO reasons:


1.  They desire to be with someone else,  AND


2.  They have the opportunity to be with someone else.  Period.


Read the entire article HERE


Also, refer to some of my previous posts on infidelity:
Statistics on Infidelity
Is Your Marriage At-Risk for Infidelity?
Infidelity: To Tell Or Not To Tell?
Does Premarital Sex Increase Risk for Extramarital Sex?

Are You Dating A Mr. Right Now?

In a previous post, I discussed the phenomenon of women dating Mr. Right Now instead of waiting for Mr. Right.  But I realize that many women do not know the difference.  Although it is not an exact science and ALL of these may not apply, here is my take on the differences between the two men.

Mr. Right Now:

• He does not want a relationship with you
• Your friends and/or family question why you are with him
• He mostly communicates with you through Facebook and text messages
• You feel that you are with him out of necessity
• He will not discuss the present or the future of your relationship
• He would be Mr. Right if he would just change _____________ (fill in the blank)
• You can not imagine being in a relationship with him
• He can not tell you why he likes you or only refers to what you do for him
• He has a couple of your relationship deal-breakers
• You consistently question the validity of your relationship 
• His mother/friends tell you that you are too good for him
• He comments on how different you are from the women he usually dates
• You do not feel good when you are with him
• Things he says/does can change your mood or feelings about yourself
• He does not respect your time and plans things last minute with you
• You ask other people what they think about him 
• You get an empty feeling when he is gone AND when he is there
• Your behavior changes when you are with him
• Your need to be loved outweighs your feelings toward him

Mr. Right:

• You do not question his intentions toward you
• You do not need others to approve of your relationship  
• He can/will discuss a future with you
• You are completely yourself around him
• He does not go against your relationship deal-breakers

You can tell by the length of each list that the choice is pretty simple.  I am not suggesting that Mr. Right Now is a creep and Mr. Right is Prince Charming.  Sometimes situations, timing, and our level of self-awareness can make Mr. Right a Mr. Right Now or vice versa.  What I am suggesting is that a relationship with Mr. Right Now is a waste of your time.  He also keeps you from meeting Mr. Right or working on yourself so that you can meet Mr. Right.  

For those of you who would rather be with Mr. Right Now than be alone, I am sorry to have wasted your time.  For everyone else, I assure you that Mr. Right does exist and he is well worth the wait.      

Women, Use Your Power to Uplift Each Other!

A recent conversation with my mom encouraged me to do my part in uplifting other women. We were discussing the most recent result of her own journey to uplift other women, where she saw the fruits of her labor.  About a week ago, she gave a very sincere compliment to a close friend.  My mother remarked at how good her friend looked in a certain pair of jeans and suggested they should be worn more often.  Her friend dismissed the compliment and even complained at how large her backside looked.  But (no pun intended) during a recent gathering, my mom saw this friend sporting the same jeans!  Only this time, her friend strutted with confidence and even had a little wiggle in her step.  What a difference one statement can make!


This is an example of the influence that women have in the lives of other women.  We can choose to be spiteful, gossipy, envious, and tear each other down OR take steps to appreciate, value, compliment, and build up our fellow sisters.

Here are a few tips to that will help you influence another woman in a positive way:


Give her a sincere compliment
If you see a fellow sister wearing some cute shoes, sporting a funky haircut, or having glowing skin...TELL HER! Compliments are meant to be given and not hidden.  You would be surprised at how life-changing a few words can be.


Be able to accept a compliment
When we see our mothers, sisters, and aunts denying compliments we tend to do the same.  So, choose to be a better role model and learn to receive compliments.  Stop saying, "This old thing?" or "You are just saying that because you're my friend".  Instead, say "Thank you for noticing" and return the favor to someone else.


Stand up to gossip
If you are present when someone is being catty and degrading another woman, stand up for her! Inform them that you will not take part in the verbal assault.  Or mention something positive, something that you admire about her.    


Help the little sisters
Daughters, younger sisters, and other young women we encounter daily are in desperate need of sisterhood.  Lead by example and teach them that other women are not the enemy.  Instead of being competition minded (i.e., for male affection and attention) encourage them to be confidence minded.  When we build self-esteem in others, our own self-esteem increases.  And a boost in self-esteem can make us more attractive to potential dating partners and friends.


Start on your own journey to improve the lives of other women and let me know how it goes...         

Woman Found Dead In Ex- Boyfriends Chimney

The following story is one of the main reasons that I write this blog.  I am hoping to impart information and discussion that may keep people from making decisions such as this.


Apparently, Dr. Jacqueline Kotarac in an attempt to gain access into her ex-boyfriends house, climbed down his chimney.  At some point she became stuck there and died. Making matters worse, her ex allegedly fled the scene and her body was found three days later by a house sitter.

Read the entire story HERE

Instead of discussing the actions and/or mental status of both Dr. Kotarac and her ex, I want to sum up lessons that people should take from this story.

1. Rejection is life's way of moving the wrong person out of your life so the right person can come in.
2. No other person is, will be, or should be responsible for your emotional state.  
3. Relationships are not supposed to cause trauma and pain. 
4. No person on this Earth is worth your sanity.
5. A broken relationship is not worth your life. 
6. EQ (emotional quotient) is just as important, if not more, as IQ (intelligence quotient).
7. When people show you who they are...believe them!  If they have been wishy-washy with you in good times, expect the same during the bad.

I just had to get those things off my chest as they flooded my head upon reading this story.  I only hope that something on this blog touches someone and causes them to think before acting in a way that could harm them.

R.I.P. Jacqueline 

Continue to create authentic relationships!   

   

Male-Female Friendships

Friends of the opposite sex can bring a lot to our lives.  They give us a glimpse into how the "other half lives."  They can give us advice into how men or women are thinking and how we should respond in certain situations.

Common men in a woman's life:
The Guy We'd Never...
This guy is funny, intelligent and you feel totally comfortable around him.  He is like a brother and you do not see him in a romantic light whatsoever.  But could you...

Secret Love
There is something about this guy that is irresistible.  Although you value his friendship, you would say yes before he could even ask you for a date.






The "Will" to our "Grace"
Every contemporary diva needs a "Will" to balance her life.  This guy may fit the stereotypical image of a gay man or he may not.  Either way he brings a certain "je ne sais quoi" to the relationship that is refreshing!

Midnight Cowboy
An ex or someone you've never had a real relationship with for many reasons.  He does little more than fulfill, let's say, basic needs.  He's not exactly boyfriend material and you may deny talking to him, but...well, you know.






Common women in a man's life:

Any Day Now...
No matter how long you've known this girl, your main objective is to add her to your "list".  She is attractive, a bit of a challenge, and possibly unaware of your desires.  But if you get the green light...it is on!





Midnight (or anytime) Cowgirl
When the bar is closing and you've had no luck, you call her.  Because no matter how late (or early) it is, she will pick up.  Or she is a girl who you hang out with from time to time, but doesn't know what type of "friend" she is.  

Childhood friend 
(the guy we'd never's friend)
This girl is absolutely amazing.  You have many things in common, you can tell her anything, and you actually enjoy spending time with her.  No wonder everyone thinks you guys should date...

Why Women Should NOT Tell Their Friends EVERYTHING

Female friendships are nourished by conversations about life experiences, both personal and impersonal.  Frustrations with work and family, questions about intimate relationships, even what to wear to an important event hinge upon discussions with our dear friends.  


But, it is possible to share too much information with a friend?


Boundaries must exist in all relationships, even those with our BFFs, for many reasons.  


Things you SHOULD NOT share with your girlfriends:


Private details about dating/marital relationships
Talking about intimate relationship issues (sex, partners finances, etc.) may lead to sticky situations. Some low self-esteem friends may try to hone in on your territory.  Others may offer ill-advised solutions. The bottom line is you should be talking to your partner and not your girlfriends.     


Decisions you may regret later
If unsure about breaking it off with a partner who your friends despise, keep it to yourself until you make a clear decision.  Girlfriends only want what is best for you and may find it hard not to say "I told you so"!  


Rumors about other friends
Besides creating drama, this sends the message that you are not to be trusted.  Your girlfriends will wonder if you are also gossiping about them to others.  


Trivial things that could harm the friendship
Some things are better left unsaid.  Although valued, your opinion should be given when requested.  Step in when your friend is doing something that will harm her or someone else.  Otherwise, wait to give honest feedback when asked.         






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10 Reasons Why Mom Is My Hero

This post came to me while traveling to visit my family.  It is a tribute of sorts to my hero...my mom.

10 Reasons Why Mom Is My Hero

She:

• ...is an effective negotiator. 
• ...cares, nurtures, and comforts.
• ...is a "dog whisperer".
• ...embodies class, refinement, femininity, and poise.
• ...loves to dance the night away.
• ...can reprimand without raising her voice or using choice words.
• ...makes you feel better when in her presence.
• ...does not recognize how great she is.
• ...is forever learning and acquiring new skills.
• ...can and will hold a conversation with anyone. 

Just Because I Am Pregnant...

Future mommies can maintain their smooth curves with maternity shapewear.

While some argue that using these products is just an attempt to hide the "baby bump".  Others worry they will  endanger the baby and/or stunt growth.  Although many mothers report benefits from using these during pregnancy.

Back and tummy support, decrease of stretch marks and help regaining figure after birth are all positives given by women who use these products.

Dads of the world...don't worry, they did not forget you.

Women You Should NOT Date

Contemporary dating can be difficult process full of mistakes, regret, and uncertainty.  In order to be successful, it is necessary that men and women avoid wasting time on those who are just "not the right fit".  If you are interested in having an authentic relationship with a woman, then steer clear of the following: 

Static Cling

Fearing abandonment, static cling wants to force you to be with her.  She constantly seeks reassurance of your perception of her and needs you to determine her emotional state.  Be careful as this one is likely to increase your cell phone bill (constant texts & calls) and may not take no for an answer. 

Laundromat

Also called the bag lady, she has loads of unresolved issues that are never fully cleansed.  The actions of her previous boyfriends will become your responsibility.  Getting to know this woman is difficult, she is holding back because "you are just like all the rest".  

Soap Opera Diva

This woman thrives on the dramatic and everything is over-exaggerated and blown out of proportion.  She creates drama wherever she goes through her thoughts and actions.  Living on conflict, gossip, and tragedy this type of woman will most likely bring you down with the comedy of errors that is her life.

Lady Liberty

Contemporary women work hard, are independent, and able to support themselves financially.  They own houses and cars, have stock portfolios, sit on company boards...you name it, we do it all.  A woman who cares for herself is very desirable, but a woman who will also let you care for her is irresistible.

Miss Brand Name

Many women like nice things be it shoes, purses, home accessories, etc.  With advances in the workplace, they can afford to splurge on things that make them smile and you should too.  But women who come to you for everything designer, in-season, and custom made is a problem.  Besides, most real men don't want a woman who only wants them for their money.

Bad Girl

Men put women in two categories: good girl or bad girl.  You settle down with good girls and take them home to meet mom as they are "marriage material".  Bad girls give excitement, danger and fun for brief periods of time.  Therefore, there is no surprise when the bad girl breaks your heart, sleeps with your best friend, or makes for a lackluster partner.  On a side note, most good girls have just enough bad girl in them to keep your interest.    

Are Women Catty?

Female-female interactions are called 'catty' when we see statements such as the one in the above video.  Whether in private or public like Carly Fiorina's remarks, women make statements about other women that appear petty and childish.  They are considered catty when negative and about another woman's physical appearance, lifestyle choices, parenting or dating techniques, attitude...

Some argue that this type of communication is not catty, but merely light banter between females.  Suggesting that it is similar to the insult exchange found in male relationships, some insist the word catty is used only based on gender.  Most explanations for the frequency and severity of comments are based on cultural expectations and gender socialization of women in the U.S.    

Competition - Historically women have been socialized to believe that much of their worth is based on superficial characteristics like appearance.  The beauty industry makes billions of dollars each year exploiting this aspect of female culture.  Therefore, women are constantly on the search to gain an upper hand in the beauty department.  What better way to make yourself look better than to point out the flaws in your "competition", right? 

Stereotypes - In naming certain types of female behavior catty, society has thereby accepted and encouraged these behaviors.  Some find it cute when little girls act "catty".  They are taught to stand up for themselves and "fight back" with words and deeds because they are not supposed to express negative emotions in a physical manner.  So instead of learning to negotiate friendships, girls learn at an earlier age how to manipulate, plot revenge, and hurt each others feelings. 

Role Models - Similar to stereotypes, many women emulate what they see in those they look up to (family members, friends, women in the community, celebrities).  Behavior, good or bad, is viewed differently when coming from someone that is admired.  Called the "halo effect", people tend to see only the positive and/or view behaviors in positive light if they look up to someone.  Even bad behavior appears positive due to our opinion of people we hold in high esteem.

In the end, are women really catty or the victims of gender stereotyping?

 

Top Five Lies Women Tell Themselves

5.  I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF OTHER PEOPLE'S NEEDS BEFORE MY OWN
It is impossible to properly care for another if you are not cared for yourself.  Women often feel that it is selfish to put themselves before others.  On the contrary, when you make your needs a priority everyone benefits. 

4.  HE WOULD HAVE BEEN FAITHFUL IF I HAD/HADN'T...
You have NO control over someone else, especially their decision to have an affair.  That is a choice that they make on their own.  Even if they considered you in the decision to be unfaithful, there was nothing you could have done to keep them from acting on it.

3.  MY CHILDREN WON'T LIKE ME IF I DISCIPLINE THEM
It is not okay to be your child's friend first.  Children need limits, boundaries, guidance and discipline from their parents.  Those who don't get them will manipulate and later have little respect for their parents. 

2.  HE DIDN'T CALL BECAUSE HE WAS...  
     (too busy, tired, emotionally unavailable, intimidated by me, etc.)
He didn't call because he did not want to.  Period, end of story.  And no you didn't "do anything wrong", he just didn't feel a connection with you.  Because if he did, your phone would not stop ringing! 

1.  I AM JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH
Good enough for what?  for who?  Who says? It is imperative that you recognize your all of your strengths and the areas in which you succeed.  Despite stress, negative situations, and other people's opinions be good enough for the most important person...YOU!