Self-esteem: Not Just A Woman's Problem

Researchers have found that both women and men have similar levels of self-esteem during adolescence and young adulthood.  

Instead of gender as a factor, differences in self-esteem are found when comparing people of different racial/ethnic categories.


The result of this research has many implications for parents, teachers, and clinicians who have historically attributed lower self-esteem to women and girls.  The lack of a gender separation in self-esteem can shed light on determinants of behavior for men and boys.  Also, more research can examine how racial and ethnic differences attribute to a young persons level of self-esteem.


To read the entire article, click HERE

Should Contemporary Women Play Hard To Get?

Throughout time women have been told to play hard to get.  Our mothers, sisters, aunts, and girlfriends insist that men should be the aggressor.  Even the men in our lives agree, sharing stories about their disapproval of aggressive women.  Playing hard to get has worked for generations, but does the same ring true today?    

Contemporary men report that they like when women are aggressive.  According to some men, women who make the first move appear to be confident and sexy, making them more approachable than other women.  An aggressive woman lessens the fear of rejection men have felt for centuries.  It makes their job in the dating game much easier.  


On the other hand, there are men who disagree and do not like it when women are aggressive.  These men feel that their job is to "hunt" and they get excited in the thrill of the chase.  Therefore, when they are approached by women, they feel emasculated and that their contribution to the ritual of dating has been taken away.


With conflicting information as to what men prefer, what should contemporary women do? Should they be aggressive and render men powerless OR should they wait for someone to approach them, thereby risking loneliness?


The answer is that genetics and culture do not lie.  Men are biologically wired and socially conditioned to value the "hunt".  They enjoy being the aggressor and are more than eager to test out their skills.  Women have been socialized to be the "damsel in distress", appearing available and worth the wait.  But contemporary women also have a need to assert their independence and work for what they want.


In my opinion, there is a middle ground here.  Although the game has changed and new rules may exist, the old method is still the better method.  The difference is that "playing hard to get" has taken on a new meaning.  Today's woman can be aggressive while still allowing a man be a man.    


Being aggressive means that you should make yourself more approachable.  Make the first move by getting his attention, pulling him to you, and allowing him to hunt.  Make him think he is the hunter and in control when in all actuality, YOU CHOSE HIM.  But instead of pursuing him, you are allowing yourself to be the target.


To assert your independence while playing hard to get, you should:


Establish and maintain eye contact
The trick here is maintaining the eye contact.  Once you catch his eye, smile and keep looking for about 5 seconds.  After that, look away for a second or two then catch his gaze again.  If he's still looking, chances are that may be interested.  Continue to smile (not too wide making you look insane) and show him that you are open to being approached.  The rest is history.


Initiate the conversation
Scary thought for some women but men appreciate a sign that they have a chance.  Here you do not want to be the aggressor and ask him out, but show him that you are open to being hunted.  Choose what to say depending on the situation.  If you are in a bar or other social setting, you can use a cheesy line to show you have a good sense of humor.  In a more relaxed atmosphere (i.e., mall, book store, friends' house, etc.) bring up something that is relevant to the situation.  Ask him what he is reading, directions to a store, or his relationship to the person whose home you are visiting.  Or use the simple, yet effective, "Hi.  I'm .... and you are?".


Drop something
Seriously.  I have seen this work a million times and not just in the movies.  When the object of your attention walks by or when you pass his way, drop an item.  No clothing ladies (please don't do that) but drop something unbreakable like a book, a pen, your lip gloss, or anything else you can find the bottom of your purse.  If he is a gentleman, he will pick it up.  Then work your magic with the two suggestions above.  If he does not pick it up, cut your losses and move on.


As you can probably guess by now, I am a fan of more old-fashioned rules of dating.  The way I see it, if it ain't broke....        

 

Are You Dating A Mr. Right Now?

In a previous post, I discussed the phenomenon of women dating Mr. Right Now instead of waiting for Mr. Right.  But I realize that many women do not know the difference.  Although it is not an exact science and ALL of these may not apply, here is my take on the differences between the two men.

Mr. Right Now:

• He does not want a relationship with you
• Your friends and/or family question why you are with him
• He mostly communicates with you through Facebook and text messages
• You feel that you are with him out of necessity
• He will not discuss the present or the future of your relationship
• He would be Mr. Right if he would just change _____________ (fill in the blank)
• You can not imagine being in a relationship with him
• He can not tell you why he likes you or only refers to what you do for him
• He has a couple of your relationship deal-breakers
• You consistently question the validity of your relationship 
• His mother/friends tell you that you are too good for him
• He comments on how different you are from the women he usually dates
• You do not feel good when you are with him
• Things he says/does can change your mood or feelings about yourself
• He does not respect your time and plans things last minute with you
• You ask other people what they think about him 
• You get an empty feeling when he is gone AND when he is there
• Your behavior changes when you are with him
• Your need to be loved outweighs your feelings toward him

Mr. Right:

• You do not question his intentions toward you
• You do not need others to approve of your relationship  
• He can/will discuss a future with you
• You are completely yourself around him
• He does not go against your relationship deal-breakers

You can tell by the length of each list that the choice is pretty simple.  I am not suggesting that Mr. Right Now is a creep and Mr. Right is Prince Charming.  Sometimes situations, timing, and our level of self-awareness can make Mr. Right a Mr. Right Now or vice versa.  What I am suggesting is that a relationship with Mr. Right Now is a waste of your time.  He also keeps you from meeting Mr. Right or working on yourself so that you can meet Mr. Right.  

For those of you who would rather be with Mr. Right Now than be alone, I am sorry to have wasted your time.  For everyone else, I assure you that Mr. Right does exist and he is well worth the wait.      

Summer Dating Tips for Ladies

After much anticipation, summer is here.  It's the time that some take much-needed vacations or have extra time to spend with kids who are out of school.  The weather is great and people venture outside to partake of barbecues, beaches, amusement parks, etc.  But this can also be a great time for single ladies to meet new dating prospects!  If you are up to adding a little spice to your summer dating, try these tips:
  

1.  Play a round of golf
Gather up a group of girlfriends and head to the golf course.  While most women are not too fond of this sport, the golf course can be a great place to meet men.  Also, it shows potential mates your willingness to participate in something they like.  If all else fails, you can always flirt with the cute golf pro or caddy!

 

 

2.  Go outside
Take advantage of the weather and spend more time outdoors.  Take a stroll around your neighborhood (or that of a friend), wash your car, or borrow a pet to walk from a friend.  The key is to be alert and friendly when a cute guy passes by.
   

3.  Jump in the game
When you see some guys shooting the basketball around or chasing pop flies, ask to join them (make sure there's no serious game going on).  Even if you have superior athletic ability, it is a good idea to ask them to teach you something.  Guys love to teach and will appreciate your effort.         

4.  Try a swim class  
If you do not know how to swim, it is a great time to learn.  If you do, it's  a great time to hone your skills or get more exercise.  Of course public pools will attract families and kids in the summer, but you can also find single guys getting a reprieve from the heat.  Besides, it gives you an opportunity to dust off and wear your cute swimsuits.      

 

5.  Take an all girls trip
One tried and true way to meet a guy is when you are hanging out with your girlfriends.  I know of countless women who met their mates while on vacation with friends.  You are more likely to be at ease and enjoy yourself, making you approachable and a magnet for guys. 





Last but not least comes a marvelous suggestion from someone I follow on Twitter
(find him here http://twitter.com/@PaulCBrunson and here http://onedegreefrom.me/).  He suggests that ladies should make it a goal to ask out 10 guys this summer.  Your chances are pretty good and you will probably get about 5 dates, because 1 in 2 guys are likely to say yes.

Keep me updated with your progress...

Male-Female Friendships

Friends of the opposite sex can bring a lot to our lives.  They give us a glimpse into how the "other half lives."  They can give us advice into how men or women are thinking and how we should respond in certain situations.

Common men in a woman's life:
The Guy We'd Never...
This guy is funny, intelligent and you feel totally comfortable around him.  He is like a brother and you do not see him in a romantic light whatsoever.  But could you...

Secret Love
There is something about this guy that is irresistible.  Although you value his friendship, you would say yes before he could even ask you for a date.






The "Will" to our "Grace"
Every contemporary diva needs a "Will" to balance her life.  This guy may fit the stereotypical image of a gay man or he may not.  Either way he brings a certain "je ne sais quoi" to the relationship that is refreshing!

Midnight Cowboy
An ex or someone you've never had a real relationship with for many reasons.  He does little more than fulfill, let's say, basic needs.  He's not exactly boyfriend material and you may deny talking to him, but...well, you know.






Common women in a man's life:

Any Day Now...
No matter how long you've known this girl, your main objective is to add her to your "list".  She is attractive, a bit of a challenge, and possibly unaware of your desires.  But if you get the green light...it is on!





Midnight (or anytime) Cowgirl
When the bar is closing and you've had no luck, you call her.  Because no matter how late (or early) it is, she will pick up.  Or she is a girl who you hang out with from time to time, but doesn't know what type of "friend" she is.  

Childhood friend 
(the guy we'd never's friend)
This girl is absolutely amazing.  You have many things in common, you can tell her anything, and you actually enjoy spending time with her.  No wonder everyone thinks you guys should date...

Just Because I Am Pregnant...

Future mommies can maintain their smooth curves with maternity shapewear.

While some argue that using these products is just an attempt to hide the "baby bump".  Others worry they will  endanger the baby and/or stunt growth.  Although many mothers report benefits from using these during pregnancy.

Back and tummy support, decrease of stretch marks and help regaining figure after birth are all positives given by women who use these products.

Dads of the world...don't worry, they did not forget you.

Men You Should NOT Date

We are often blind-sighted by our perception of a potential mate.  Certain characteristics like a nice smile, attractive face, or muscular build may mask warning signals telling us to run.  Instincts make up our biological protection system, giving clues some (especially women) often ignore.  For those of you who desire an authentic relationship with a man,  listen to your instincts and avoid the following:

 

Casanova

"I LOVE women!"  Of course we want a guy who has respect and admiration for the fairer sex.  But that statement goes a bit farther.  It is the same as women who LOVE shoes, meaning many different kinds of shoes, not just one pair.  This man LOVES women, all women and may have multiple cell phones and aliases.

Work Horse

There is nothing sexier than a hard-working man.  The problem arises when work is his only priority.  The work horse won't have time to devote to a relationship and will cancel plans regardless of preparation.  Although he's probably a good guy, work/career comes first so the timing is off.

Rebel Without a Cause

Many women want the bad boy.  Riding a motorcycle, teetering on the edge and having a slightly smug disposition can be alluring.  Everyone makes mistakes and you can be forgiving to a degree.  But a man with a long history of crime and lawlessness will expect you to be the Bonnie to his Clyde. 

Serial Monogamist

Men who move from one relationship to the next are good because at least they can commit, right?  Wrong.  Yes they can commit, but a) taking little time in-between relationships means little to no closure and b) moving on quickly means they keep their options open while in relationships.

Double-dealer

If you "took" a man from another woman, then another woman can "take" him from you.  Patterns of behavior are hard to break especially if they are accepted by your partner.  The double-dealer rarely commits to one woman, but if you pay attention he will reveal his cards.

 

Captain Cavalier

The captain is focused on himself and himself only.  He boasts about his salary, past relationships, accomplishments, etc. and may talk in the 3rd person.  This guy will rarely ask questions about you and only appears interested if it suits him.