Are You Kidding Me? Mom allows 51-year-old actor to marry her 16-year-old daughter

Doug Hutchinson, 51-year-old star of "Lost" and "The Green Mile" recently wed 16-year-old Courtney Stodden.  Although Courtney was too young to legally marry Doug, she did so with her mother's parental consent.

Marriages with extreme age differences have existed throughout history.  Men in the Bible had young wives, kings and queens married at 12 and 13, and it was not uncommon for a landowner to chose the young girl next door as his bride.  Not to be outdone, celebrities have also married those much younger (i.e., Woody Allen, Jerry Lee Lewis, Larry King, etc.).  So this is not a new phenomenon.

As there is a long-standing history of such marriages, we still freak out when hearing stories like this.  In this case, you have to wonder what a 51-year-old and a 16-year-old have in common?  How did mom allow her daughter to marry a man 35 years her senior?  Is the daughter trying to become famous?

In each state, marriage consent laws specify at what age an individual may legally marry (hence why mom had to give consent since Courtney is not 18).  Assuming that these laws exist for a reason and that most young people don't have enough life experience to agree to marry, I wonder what criteria mom used to determine that her daughter was "ready".  Which is the bigger issue here, the age difference or the fact that mom agreed to this union?

For a list of U.S. age of marriage consent laws click here.

Read more about the newlyweds here.

Divorce and Race

In 2008, 3% of all marriages were interracial with the highest #s being between a White individual & an individual of some other race.   Some say interracial marriages have a higher divorce rates due to pressures (society & family) facing the couple.   This is not necessarily true, although there is a relationship to race and divorce.

Interracial couples tend to get married later and have higher income (=lower risk) and they have bigger age and education differences (=higher risk). 


The biggest predictor of divorce appears to be the racial composition of husband and wife.  

In interracial marriages, couples who are:

• Asian/White are more likely to divorce than Asian/Asian 
• (depends) Black/White are more likely to divorce than White/White 
-White women/Black men couples are twice as likely to divorce as White/White couples        

-White husband/Black wife couples are 44% less likely to divorce than White/White couples
• Black/Black are more likely to divorce than White/White 

Sources: Marital Dissolution Among Interracial Couples  and 

"But Will it Last?": Marital Instability Among Interracial and Same-Race Couples

Dating Your Spouse/Partner

People have a natural tendency to stop dating each other when they enter into a serious relationship.  They become comfortable with one another.  They decrease (or end) many of the behaviors which got them into the relationship in the first place.  With such common practice, it is no wonder why many are unfulfilled in long-term committed relationships.

Why do relationships change over time?  
Sage advice from my mother - "Do only those things in a relationship that you can/will continue in the long run." This statement resonates an important feature for most relationships.  If someone was worth the effort during the chase, why are they no longer worth the effort once they are caught?  

Research on conflict between couples highlights the loss of behavioral patterns that existed during courtship.  Couples who have been married for many years no longer act like newlyweds.  

They may rarely:

• Express genuine affection (hugs, kisses, love play)
• Show how much they appreciate each other (love notes, doing things for no reason)
• Display joy when they see each other (especially after being apart for some time)
• Work on their friendship (ask about goals, dreams, desires)
• Date (go out without children, share new experiences)
• Share positive feelings
• Surrender to let the other person win
• See sex as a fun activity instead of a chore
• Make their relationship a priority

Relationships are NOT EASY and they require HARD work full of emotion, thought, and action. This is especially true for long-term relationships.  Effort must continue throughout and it must be reciprocal with both continuing to woo each other (even if at different times) and not take each other for granted.  These are the things that make the beginning of relationships exciting and gratifying. 
   
How to continue dating your spouse/partner:

1. Practice the bulleted behaviors above 
2. Work on the Marriage Plan (even if you are not married) as a couple
3. Follow John Gottman's Magic Five Hours and the 5 to 1 Ratio of Couple Interactions
4. Enjoy each other!

Women and The Toilet Seat

It amazes me how many married couples argue about the position of the toilet seat. During my years as a marriage and family therapist, I worked with couples on a wide variety of relationship issues.  Regardless of what brought them into therapy, I would consistently hear complaints that began with a late night in a dark bathroom, ending with an angry wife who had a cold, wet bottom.  


Wives would become irate and wanted to understand how their intelligent, well-read husbands could not grasp a concept so simple as putting the toilet seat down.  Arguments would go on and on about this trivial (yes, I said trivial) issue often resulting in someone calling names and insulting someone else's intelligence.  


I have always thought that conversations like these are a huge waste of time because they:
     1. Do not get at the real issue causing the conflict (lack of communication,        
         feelings disrespected, etc.)
                                        AND 
     2. Only encourage the behavior.  Constantly complaining to your spouse  
         gets similar results as doing the same to children - disregard and 
         resistance.   


Any of you who know me, know that I am a big fan of the work of Dr. John Gottman.  In his 35+ years of studying the interactions of couples, he has found that marital problems fall into one of two categories: solvable and perpetual.


Solvable problems
As the name implies, these problems have a solution, they can be fixed.  Although these problems are quite simple in nature, they tend to cause a good bit of conflict in the relationship.  
Examples: household chores, toilet seat positioning, childcare duties, finances, etc.


Perpetual problems
The overwhelming majority of marital problems (70%) do not have a quick fix.  They are based on personality characteristics, personal beliefs, and those things about us that are not easily changed.  Couples will remain in conflict about these issues for years.
Examples: sex, childrearing tactics, religion, politics, in-laws 


Perpetual problems require more work, understanding, and compromise than solvable problems.  Yet, couples choose to argue about the solvable problems instead of trying to fix them.  It was my job as a therapist to encourage them to fix the solvable ones which allowed more time and energy for us to focus on the perpetual ones in therapy. 


So, back to the toilet seat.  Ladies, let it go!  I mean, how hard it is to look before you sit? Not to let the guys off the hook here, but you must pick your battles.  I would much rather have a husband who consistently leaves the toilet seat up than a Tiger Woods, Jesse James, Ike Turner, or Bernie Madoff wannabe.  


The bottom line (pun intended) here - Isn't a cold, wet bottom worth the valuable time spent working on perpetual issues in your relationship?  If your answer is no, you may need to seek the help of a divorce attorney...once you dry off.
      

Cohabitation: Marital Test-Drive or Highway to Divorce?

In today's society cohabitation is seen by many as a just another step in the dating process.  You meet someone, date for a while, move in together, get married, have kids...
While others hold to religious, moral, or personal views of cohabitation as sinful or an alternative to traditional marriage.  


Is choosing to live together before or instead of getting married better?  With most other major life decisions there is a trial run.  We get to test drive a car, inspect a house, visit a college all before making major decisions.  Can it be possible to do the same with a partner without living together?  First, let's look at some interesting facts about cohabitation.   

Researchers have conducted numerous studies and many statistics abound on the prevalence, success and length of cohabitating relationships:  

• First marriages last longer than cohabiting relationships 
• 65% of cohabiting couples transition to marriage within 5 years
• 52% of non-marital births occur in cohabiting unions
• Cohabiting couples report lower levels of relationship quality and lower income
• Cohabitation increases risk for divorce
• Age is also factor
• People 18-19 are more likely to live together
• People 25-44 are more likely to marry

Cohabitation appears to have negative outcomes in comparison to marriage.  But, there are other ways to "test drive" living with a partner without actually living with them.
Taking an extended vacation (especially a cruise) can reveal a partner's living habits.  Rotating "sleep-overs" throughout the week gives an opportunity to see one another in their natural habitat.  Also, premarital counseling can identify possible areas of future concern that could surface when two people reside in the same household.      


In light of the statistics, is it a good idea to take your partner for a "test drive" before making a lifelong commitment?  


Source: (CDC) Marriage and Cohabitation in the U.S.

Is There An Age When You Should Be Married?

Many 30 somethings feel pressure from society, family, and friends to explain why they are not yet married.  Do the same pressures to get married exist for adults in 2010 that existed for those in 1900? If so, where do they come from?


According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the median age at first marriage in:

• 1900 was 25.9 for men & 21.9 for women
• 1950 was 22.8 for (m) & 20.3 for (w)
• 1990 was 26.1 for (m) & 23.9 for (w)
• 1995 was 26.9 for (m) & 24.5 for (w)
• 2000 was 26.8 for (m) & 25.1 for (w)
• 2008 was 27.6 for (m) & 25.9 for (w)

The numbers show that men and women are getting married later in life as time goes on.  While some are postponing marriage for many reasons (career, education, freedom, etc.) others still feel pressure to be married by a certain age.

Research on attitudes about marriage show that young people view marriage as important and most of them expect to get married.  

In fact, 83% of 20-24 year-olds expect to get married at some point with almost half expecting to marry within 10 years.  

Apparently, the ideals of young adults reinforce the expectation that people should be married during their 30s.     

Source: Young Adult Attitudes About Relationships and Marriage

Double Standard for Wedding Rings?

Popular media highlights the absence of a wedding ring on a married female as a sign of separation, impending divorce, and marital distress.

Woman scorned. Elin Woods is snapped without her wedding ring as she is seen…for the first time yesterday since husband Tiger admitted his infidelities. 

Actions speak louder than words and it looks like Brooke Mueller and Charlie Sheen are done…[as the] star's wife showed up…without her wedding ring.

…the first photo of Sandra Bullock without her wedding ring since her husband Jesse James' affair scandal broke.

Men on the other hand, do not receive the same scrutiny when a ring is absent.  Many married men do not own and/or do not wear wedding rings.

Does a double standard exist?  Is it customary that women wear rings and not men?  If so, are we reverting back to the historical notion that only women wear rings in order to signal that they are "taken"?

The True Meaning of Wedding Rings

Why do people wear engagement rings and wedding band?  Many theories exist as to the history of this tradition.  In American culture, rings symbolize accomplishments and celebrations. People wear rings to display children (mothers rings), graduation (class rings), commitment (promise, engagement, wedding rings), virtue (purity rings), and friendship.  The tradition of wearing rings has a long history and varies from culture to culture.

Some interesting facts about wedding rings:  
   -Women wore rings as they were property of their husband
   -Ring shapes (circles) were thought to have magical properties
   -Wedding/engagement rings are worn on the third finger of the left hand
         -frees the right hand (dominant) for work, sword fighting, etc.
         -the left hand is closest to the heart in the chest
         -Egyptians believe the 3rd finger has a straight line to the heart
   -Wedding bands cost more to produce than engagement rings, but

           retailers set prices higher on engagement rings due to consumer 

           interest

   -Average cost of engagement ring - $3,215
   -Average cost of wedding band- $1,129 (bride) & $907 (groom)
   -Most engagement rings have diamonds and more than 66% are white 

           gold  

The symbolism of wearing a wedding ring means more to some than others.  While some prefer not to wear a ring, others feel the ring is almost as important as the relationship it represents.   

                                                            

Sex in the Millenium

Current definitions of sex in relationships are varied.  How you define sex (or what type of sex you are having) may signal more about your relationship than you think.

Hooking Up, Marital Sex, and Making Love: What's the Difference?

The Truth About Infidelity (part 1)

In light of numerous high profile marriages being affected by infidelity in the media lately, I thought that I would begin a series (The Truth About Infidelity) on the topic.  What follows is the first installment.

According to the General Social Survey of men and women:
   76.4% think sex with someone other than your spouse is always wrong
   63.7% reported only having sex with their spouse while married
              Of those who had extramarital affairs:
              63.7% had sex with a friend
              30.8% had sex with an acquaintance
              33.8% had sex on a casual date
              2.3% paid for or were paid for sex

Additional statistics report that:
   41% (marriages) one or both admit physical or emotional infidelity
   57% of men admit to ever committing infidelity
   54% of women admit to ever committing infidelity
   74% of men would commit adultery if they could get away with it
   68% of women would commit adultery if they could get away with it
   36% admit to affair with co-worker
   36% admit infidelity on business trips
   17% admit infidelity with a brother-in-law or sister-in-law
                                   and
   31% of marriages survive after admission/discovery of an affair

Lessons learned

Insightful article about being married for 25 years.

What I’ve Learned in my First 25 Years of Marriage

The Marriage Plan

Most major decisions in life require careful and detailed planning: buying a house or car, choosing a college to attend, going on vacation, etc.  Although, many fail to prepare for one of the biggest choices we make in life-getting married.  Watch the following video of Will and Jada Smith discussing their marriage plan.



Do you have a marriage plan?  Or for those of you not married, do you have a relationship plan?  If so, good for you.  Keep up the good work, follow your plan, and update it frequently.  For those without one, these questions/topics should help you and your spouse (or future spouse) create your own plan based on what you both want from the relationship.

The Marriage Plan

This list is very short and is only a beginning to the conversation on how to tailor your own specific plan.  Take the time to discuss these topics (and more) with your partner and refer to it frequently.  It is expected that answers to these questions will change over time.  Continue to foster your friendship and update it as needed.

As always, give me feedback on your opinions and/or experiences with the marriage plan.

Fireproof (2008)

This movie is a MUST SEE for people in the following categories:

Married 
Engaged
Dating
"Friends with benefits"
Single
Has EVER been in a relationship Has NEVER been in a relationship
Will NEVER be in a relationship again

 Rent it this week/weekend and watch with loved ones.

Pre-Marital Counseling: Yea or Nay?

For those of you who are already married and those who are/would consider marriage, what are your thoughts on pre-marital counseling?

Should it be required for all couples in order to get married?

OR

Is it something that only "troubled" couples need?