Sex on the First Date, Taboo or To Do?

Although dating rules have changed tremendously over the years, most people have steadfast opinions about sex on the first date.  Regarding first date sexual activity, the common theme appears gender specific.  Women should be ashamed of their easy and immoral ways while men are expected to "seal the deal" and celebrate their conquest. 

Most of my female friends agree that sex on the first date is not a good idea.  Although many women have had this experience, the majority still disagree with it as a common practice.  Men, on the other hand, have much more varied views on the subject.  Half of them agree that women who "give it up" on the first date fall into the bad girl category and are not worthy of a commitment.  The other half don't judge women based on this and attribute sex on a first date to good chemistry or their male powers of persuasion.    

Clearly, there is a double standard that exists in acceptance of first date sex.  Men are split on the topic and women seem against it, although they frequently do it.  The divergence of opinion can be explained by gendered expectations of behavior and the reasons why people chose to have sex on the first date.

Women tend to have sex on the first date because they are:

• Under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs
• Seeking intimacy through sexual activity
• Asserting their protest against traditional gender roles
• Assuming it will make the guy like them
• Insecure and looking for validation 

Men have tend to sex on the first date because they are:

• Under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs
• Eager to accept the offer of sex
• Wanting a woman to develop an attachment to them (yes, this does happen)
• Able to separate sex from emotions

So, should you have sex on the first date?  My answer is...it depends.  I am not suggesting that men or women jump into bed with wanton disregard, but I do see three (and only three) reasons that make sex on the first date okay:

• You want to have sex with this person
• Your decision to have sex is based on what you want and nothing else
• You can deal with the ALL of the consequences of this choice (i.e., possible pregnancy or STDs, not seeing this person ever again, a clingy emotional attachment, feelings of guilt and/or regret, etc.)  

If you can honestly answer yes to the above questions, go ahead and have fun (protected fun that is).  If not, you may want to wait until you can answer yes or you are in a committed relationship.

For more information, read some of my previous posts:

Friends With Benefits

Was That A Hook-Up? 

What Not To Do On A First Date

Should Contemporary Women Play Hard To Get?

Reasons Why Women Are Unfaithful

According to a recent article, while there are many reasons women are unfaithful, they are more likely to stray when there is no passion left in their relationship. 

The article goes on to list 6 other things women report as the reasons why they had affairs.


For the record, I disagree with all of them.  Just like men, women are unfaithful for TWO reasons:


1.  They desire to be with someone else,  AND


2.  They have the opportunity to be with someone else.  Period.


Read the entire article HERE


Also, refer to some of my previous posts on infidelity:
Statistics on Infidelity
Is Your Marriage At-Risk for Infidelity?
Infidelity: To Tell Or Not To Tell?
Does Premarital Sex Increase Risk for Extramarital Sex?

Was That A Hook-Up?

Hooking up has become a contemporary term used by adolescents and young adults to describe a number of different intimate activities.  But what does it really mean to "hook-up"?  And how do you know if you just "hooked-up" with someone? 

A "hook-up" can refer to any number of activities ranging from kissing and light touching to oral or genital contact including sexual intercourse.  The bottom line is that most hook-ups are defined by the degree of sexual contact that occurs.

Research on the "hook-up" yields interesting results.  Studies with college students reveal that hook-ups vary in where they begin, whether or not alcohol is a factor, and the what type of sexual contact occurs.

• 47% of hook-ups begin at a party (23% begin in the dorm)
• 14% of people know a little about their partner (50+% know them moderately or well)
• 46% report being slightly impaired (28% are extremely drunk)
• 34% of hook-ups involve light kissing & touching (23% involve sexual intercourse)

There is not one specific definition for a hook-up and the term is used in many varied situations.  Although, most hook-ups involve some sexual contact between two or more people who know each other moderately well, and have had some amount of alcohol.   

Understanding the definition of a hook-up is important for parents, teens and young adults.  

Parents - should know how their children use this term and what it means within their peer group.  It may be as innocent as a few kisses or much more, which can signal a need to communicate about sexual health and contraception.

Teens/Young Adults - need to have their own definition of hooking up and be able to get clarity from others.  It is a good idea to know the definition and subsequent expectations of your partner so that you can make choices about your own behavior.       

Workplace Romance

40% have ever dated a co-worker 

32% later married a co-worker

35% of affairs occur with a co-worker

8% have a crush on a co-worker

Only a small amount (12%) of these relationships start outside of the workplace.  Lunches, business trips, happy hours, and company parties are places where some romances blossom.  The rest, overwhelming majority, begin during work hours.

If you are in the 8% considering an office romance, here are some things to consider:

Know the dating policy of your discipline and company:  Many companies have rules that explicitly forbid fraternization while others may have "gray areas".  Get clarification of rules and consequences before you decide to act on your crush.

Be wary of relationship hierarchy: 30% of workplace daters are involved with someone who is their superior.  It is a good idea to consider how the success or failure of the relationship will affect your career future.

Decide if the relationship should be public:  Again, this may vary due to company policy.  If there is no rule against dating a co-worker, it may be a good idea to notify a superior just in case.

Manage social media responsibly: People upload pictures and change status messages often without considering the consequences.  You'd be surprised who has access to your social networking page, so be careful with information that you share. 

Leave relationship issues at home: Resist the urge to deal with relationship issues at work.  It can make you and your partner look bad.  Table conflictual conversations for after work hours.

Source: CareerBuilder Survey of Workplace Dating

Sex in the Millenium

Current definitions of sex in relationships are varied.  How you define sex (or what type of sex you are having) may signal more about your relationship than you think.

Hooking Up, Marital Sex, and Making Love: What's the Difference?