Rekindle Your Relationship: Back-to-School Style

Around this time of year parents and children are gearing up to go back to school.  A task often dreaded by students, parents rejoice at the thought of some free time.  Parents can also choose to take this time to reconnect with one another.  Couples may need to get reacquainted following a summer of child activities, rushed vacations and financial worries.  Here are some ways to get your back-to-school loving started:

Drive Each Other Wild - Instead of being the family chauffeur, let the kids ride the bus or carpool with a neighbor or friend.  Take advantage of those brief morning or evening moments and kiss your partner.  Be flirty, playful, and act like you just started dating.

Get Rid of The Guilt - I promise, it is okay to miss one soccer game or ballet recital or karate class.  Especially if you are going to work on your relationship.  Resist the urge to be SuperMom or SuperDad, earning perfect attendance at all of your child's extracurricular activities.  Your children will not hate you and/or need years of therapy because you chose a date with your partner over their activity.  Schedule an occasional date with your partner when the kids are practicing or competing.

Special Delivery - Most professions allow for a lunch break, be it 30 minutes or an hour.  Instead of eating last night's leftovers or the fast food value meal, make a special lunch appointment with your partner.  Since the kids are at school, meet at home for a lunchtime love session.  If you live too far from home, plan ahead, save some money, and invest in a hotel room for this occasion.

Add Some Spice - Have the kids complete homework or chores in their rooms while dinner is being prepared.  You and your partner can playfully cook dinner together.  Kneading dough, sifting flour, stirring sauces, and washing veggies can turn into romantic activities for two.  This time it is okay to play with your food!

Now that the kids are occupied with school, take some time each day (or at least each week) to foster intimacy with your partner.  Give your relationship the extra-credit it deserves.

How To REALLY Get Over A Break-Up

We are all experienced in this area whether we initiate a break-up or not.  For some the pain after a relationship ends can be mild and brief, while others experience tremendous heartache that seems to go on forever.  Several factors affect our level of functioning after a relationship ends: the length of the relationship, our emotional connection to the person, mutual vs. individual decisions to part, etc.  Regardless of what may have caused the break-up, the most important thing is the process we take to move on.

Whether you bounce back easily or need more time to heal after a break-up, taking specific steps can help in the journey from heartache to healing.

Step 1: Make a clean break
The initial goal is to position yourself in a place where you can move on.  Those dealing with many emotions need a "spring cleaning" in order to facilitate healing.  Limit opportunities to relive the hurt: erase phone numbers, Facebook pages, text messages, chat IDs; block email addresses; request that friends and family do not encourage you to contact the person (if possible).  This may be more difficult if children are involved or there are financial ties.  In those cases, have others intervene for you (have your ex pick up kids from a friend/family/neighbors house, etc.) until you are ready.

Step 2: Focus on you
Turn you efforts on yourself and discover new things about you.  Spend more time with friends and family that are supportive.  Or make new friends that are fun and share your interests.  Devote more energy to success at your job, explore an old or new hobby, volunteer in your community.  Also, take this time to get a mental health check-up.  Visit a therapist, counselor, or spiritual/religious leader to aid in your restoration.

Step 3: Re-invent yourself
Keep on working on yourself, focusing what YOU need in life and in love.  Do not dwell on mistakes from the past, but push toward success in the future.  What are things you can do to improve yourself?  Going back to school, trying a new hair color, taking a vacation with friends, joining a book club, learning to play golf...what a great time to do things you might not have previously!  This step is not to correct what is wrong or attract a new mate, but to discover things about yourself you didn't know.

Step 4: Continue to heal, heal, heal (*most difficult)
Resist the urge to jump into another relationship (or back into the same one) until you know that emotions from your previous experience will not interfere.  Move on when you will not judge others based on your ex, and when you will not view new mistakes as repeats from the past.  How do you know if you are able to do this?  If you have to ask, then you are not ready.  In that case, go back to step 3 and enjoy getting to know yourself.

I welcome your stories and comments on this post.

Living the Single Life Today

Is being single in today's society more difficult than ever before?  Do you wonder about the experiences of other singles?


This documentary gives an in-depth look into the strengths and weaknesses of single life.  It is a good resource to show those of you who are single, that you are not alone.  Also for those who are not currently single, this film can increase your understanding of what your single friends may experience.



For more information, check out Single: A Documentary Film. 

Making Your Connections Authentic

I am now a guest blogger over at Stop Stressing Now, a website providing life-changing information to decrease stress and increase overall well-being.  To introduce my new authentic blogging relationship, I would like to refer you to an enlightening article on measuring your life's connections.

Read the Article

Using 7 C's to Be More Authentic

Lately, my mother has been reciting phrases (which include a series of C-words) when talking about situations that she has no control over.  These phrases help her focus, regain her personal rights and be able to say no when confronted with the thoughts or behavior of others.  I found these to be very enlightening and will include them below.

When you find yourself in a situation that you cannot control, tell yourself:

1. I didn't CAUSE it.
2. I can't CURE it.
3. I can't CONTROL it.
4. I can help CARE for myself by COMMUNICATING my feelings,
5. Making healthy CHOICES,
6. And by CELEBRATING myself.

These are coping mechanisms from the National Association for Children of Alcoholics to combat fault and guilt found in children of alcoholics.  In my opinion, we all can adapt these statements to increase our coping with difficult people, stressful situations, and everyday issues that we cannot control.

Recite these everyday until they are memorized, then refer to them in times of need.

Family Dinners

In a 2009 CBS News poll of parents with children:

• 74% eat dinner as a family most of the time during the week
• 64% report rarely texting, emailing, or talking on the phone during dinner
• 53% always or sometimes have the television on during dinner

Numerous research studies have emphasized the importance of family dinners.  Eating dinner together has many benefits for the entire family, especially children.  Just two dinners per week can have the following effects:

• Increase self-esteem and body image
• Decrease risk for juvenile delinquency, substance abuse, eating disorders, and other risk behaviors
• Increase academic achievement

Through communication at the dinner table and increased involvement, parents can expect positive outcomes as a result of family dinners.  

Need ideas for your family? Follow these simple tips:

Have a set time for dinner - which gives your family time to prepare and make dinner a priority.  

Stick to positive topics - this is not the time to discuss bad grades, broken curfews or dents in the family car.  Keep the conversation light and happy.

Involve children in meal preparation - allow kids to help with grocery lists and shopping, chopping fruits and veggies or making a fun dessert.  

Turn off distracting devices - t.v., cellphones, mp3 players, and computers should take a nap during dinnertime.  The only entertainment needed for family dinners are conversation and family interaction!

The Joy of Saying NO

Is saying NO selfish and mean? No, in fact it is just the opposite. Saying NO spares the "asker" from getting mediocre participation (possibly with an attitude) and the "askee" from resenting the request or having unrealistic expectations of the outcome. Women in particular have difficulty saying NO as they fear being judged or being cut-off from the people asking of them.

The few things in life I regret are decisions made for someone else. Instead of doing what was best for me, I often put the needs of another ahead of my own. There were times I said yes because I didn't want to: a) hurt someone's feelings, b) disappoint them, c) risk not being liked, or d) miss an opportunity. In the end, I felt bad and did not get the benefit of any of the above.

But in times when I said no (due to putting my needs first) I felt overjoyed. It was like a weight had been lifted off my chest, and I could breathe for the very first time.

Therefore after much trial and error, I learned to put my needs first and I started saying NO! Here are some ways in which you can incorporate saying NO into your life.

Just say NO when you:

• Don't have to do it and REALLY don't want to do it
• Are hoping that saying yes will change how the person sees you
• Will have an attitude while doing it
• Don't have the time, money, or energy to do it RIGHT!
• Need validation that the person is not willing or able to give

Saying NO is not always appropriate as we have to do some things whether we want to or not. But, it is helpful to alleviate feeling devalued, exploited, overworked and regretting decisions made for others and not ourselves.  

Learn to assert your boundaries and put your needs first and just say NO!   

           

      

Top Five Lies Women Tell Themselves

5.  I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF OTHER PEOPLE'S NEEDS BEFORE MY OWN
It is impossible to properly care for another if you are not cared for yourself.  Women often feel that it is selfish to put themselves before others.  On the contrary, when you make your needs a priority everyone benefits. 

4.  HE WOULD HAVE BEEN FAITHFUL IF I HAD/HADN'T...
You have NO control over someone else, especially their decision to have an affair.  That is a choice that they make on their own.  Even if they considered you in the decision to be unfaithful, there was nothing you could have done to keep them from acting on it.

3.  MY CHILDREN WON'T LIKE ME IF I DISCIPLINE THEM
It is not okay to be your child's friend first.  Children need limits, boundaries, guidance and discipline from their parents.  Those who don't get them will manipulate and later have little respect for their parents. 

2.  HE DIDN'T CALL BECAUSE HE WAS...  
     (too busy, tired, emotionally unavailable, intimidated by me, etc.)
He didn't call because he did not want to.  Period, end of story.  And no you didn't "do anything wrong", he just didn't feel a connection with you.  Because if he did, your phone would not stop ringing! 

1.  I AM JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH
Good enough for what?  for who?  Who says? It is imperative that you recognize your all of your strengths and the areas in which you succeed.  Despite stress, negative situations, and other people's opinions be good enough for the most important person...YOU!

Lessons learned

Insightful article about being married for 25 years.

What I’ve Learned in my First 25 Years of Marriage

The Marriage Plan

Most major decisions in life require careful and detailed planning: buying a house or car, choosing a college to attend, going on vacation, etc.  Although, many fail to prepare for one of the biggest choices we make in life-getting married.  Watch the following video of Will and Jada Smith discussing their marriage plan.



Do you have a marriage plan?  Or for those of you not married, do you have a relationship plan?  If so, good for you.  Keep up the good work, follow your plan, and update it frequently.  For those without one, these questions/topics should help you and your spouse (or future spouse) create your own plan based on what you both want from the relationship.

The Marriage Plan

This list is very short and is only a beginning to the conversation on how to tailor your own specific plan.  Take the time to discuss these topics (and more) with your partner and refer to it frequently.  It is expected that answers to these questions will change over time.  Continue to foster your friendship and update it as needed.

As always, give me feedback on your opinions and/or experiences with the marriage plan.

Fireproof (2008)

This movie is a MUST SEE for people in the following categories:

Married 
Engaged
Dating
"Friends with benefits"
Single
Has EVER been in a relationship Has NEVER been in a relationship
Will NEVER be in a relationship again

 Rent it this week/weekend and watch with loved ones.