Reasons Why Women Are Unfaithful

According to a recent article, while there are many reasons women are unfaithful, they are more likely to stray when there is no passion left in their relationship. 

The article goes on to list 6 other things women report as the reasons why they had affairs.


For the record, I disagree with all of them.  Just like men, women are unfaithful for TWO reasons:


1.  They desire to be with someone else,  AND


2.  They have the opportunity to be with someone else.  Period.


Read the entire article HERE


Also, refer to some of my previous posts on infidelity:
Statistics on Infidelity
Is Your Marriage At-Risk for Infidelity?
Infidelity: To Tell Or Not To Tell?
Does Premarital Sex Increase Risk for Extramarital Sex?

Does Premarital Sex Increase Risk for Extramarital Sex?

Research suggests that contemporary Americans are growing more and more accepting of premarital sex.  As social mores around sex become more relaxed, people view premarital sex as part of the dating process.  Even the most conservative, while not in full agreement, have become accustomed to the notion that sex occurs before marriage for the majority of the population.

Although chastity belts may have loosened, most will agree that extramarital affairs are a no-no.  With widespread media attention on the extramarital affairs of celebrities, athletes and political figures, society shakes a condescending finger at infidelity.  Also, unknown to many are laws in some states that not only view infidelity as illegal, but can make an unfaithful partner and/or third party liable for damages.    

What may be most shocking is how the two relate.  Some research associates the rise in marital infidelity to the widespread practice of premarital sex.  Researchers purport that numerous relationships and sexual partners before marriage can relate to an individuals' propensity to be unfaithful once married.  Having many partners before marriage makes monogamy difficult as we have become used to being with more than one person.

  

          

The Truth About Infidelity (part 4) - Risk During Marriage

Infidelity is more likely to occur during certain points in a marriage than others.  External pressures, stress, illness, even changes in society can affect a couples' risk for infidelity.

Risk of infidelity increases:

    After the 1st year of marriage

    Once the "honeymoon" period is technically over, marital couples settle   

    into everyday life with each other. Routines are established, partners become  

    comfortable, and the "lovely-dovey"  newlywed behavior is gone.  Many couples 

    do not continue to date and/or maintain pre-marital interactions that strengthen 

    their relationship.

    Once the first child is born

    Children bring joy and excitement to a marriage.  For first-time parents, the 

    worry and stress associated with parenting takes their focus off of the marital 

    relationship.  The child becomes the most important thing in the family.  Not able to 

    effectively deal with parental stress, couples' can increase their risk for divorce.

    Between year 5 and year 7

    Called the "seven year itch", this period occurs when daily routines and focus on children 

    can decrease the friendship, respect and love which once existed in the relationship.    

    Partners may look outside of the relationship for the excitement they felt during dating or 

    the first year of marriage.

    Middle age 

    There is some debate as to the validity of the "midlife crisis", in which individuals attempt 

    to recapture their youth.  What is true is that during this period, many evaluate their lives 

    and whether or not they reached long-term goals.  This process of change can cause stress 

    and conflict within the relationship increasing risk for divorce.  Also, as people are living 

    longer, more and more choose to live their final 30-40 years with someone new.

Source: Facts About Infidelity

       

Workplace Romance

40% have ever dated a co-worker 

32% later married a co-worker

35% of affairs occur with a co-worker

8% have a crush on a co-worker

Only a small amount (12%) of these relationships start outside of the workplace.  Lunches, business trips, happy hours, and company parties are places where some romances blossom.  The rest, overwhelming majority, begin during work hours.

If you are in the 8% considering an office romance, here are some things to consider:

Know the dating policy of your discipline and company:  Many companies have rules that explicitly forbid fraternization while others may have "gray areas".  Get clarification of rules and consequences before you decide to act on your crush.

Be wary of relationship hierarchy: 30% of workplace daters are involved with someone who is their superior.  It is a good idea to consider how the success or failure of the relationship will affect your career future.

Decide if the relationship should be public:  Again, this may vary due to company policy.  If there is no rule against dating a co-worker, it may be a good idea to notify a superior just in case.

Manage social media responsibly: People upload pictures and change status messages often without considering the consequences.  You'd be surprised who has access to your social networking page, so be careful with information that you share. 

Leave relationship issues at home: Resist the urge to deal with relationship issues at work.  It can make you and your partner look bad.  Table conflictual conversations for after work hours.

Source: CareerBuilder Survey of Workplace Dating

The Truth About Infidelity (part 3) - To Tell or Not To Tell?

Would you tell your partner that you had an affair?

In a recent study on infidelity:

-Women are more likely to admit

-Women are more likely to end a relationship after they are unfaithful

-Women are more likely to begin a relationship with the person they had an affair with

-Men on average have more affairs than women

Some say honesty is the best policy while others think confessions are only good for the guilty.  Do people admit affairs to repair their relationships and gain forgiveness from their partners or do they admit affairs to clear their own conscience?

The reasons why people admit affair are varied and depend on many different motives:

     Regret - ashamed of behavior and confess out of 

                   obligation to partner

     Absolution - to forgive themselves some need                                      forgiveness from their partner

     Discontent - due to misery, confession is given 

                   hoping that relationship will end 

     Fear - admission due to anxiety that the truth will

                   eventually surface 

Yet, there are reasons why people choose to keep an affair secret:

     Worry- admission may end the relationship so some 

     Indifference - not caring whether relationship lasts or

               not, but silence keeps the peace

     Fear - information about affair may cause partner to

               seek revenge and have an affair themselves

     Status Quo- keep quiet because conflict resulting from 

               admission is undesirable

     History - it is not worth it to admit a one-time mistake 

               that will not happen again

In the end, is it better to tell the truth?  

Would you rather your partner tell you about an affair or keep it a secret?




Source: Brand, R. J., Markey, C. M., Mills, A. & Hodges, S. D. (2007) Sex differences in self-reported infidelity and it correlates. Sex Roles, 57, 101-109.

The Truth About Infidelity (part 2) - So You Think You're A Sex Addict?

There appears to be an epidemic among the numerous celebrities identifying as sex addicts.  It has become commonplace for those caught having affairs to apologize, call themselves a sex addict, and go to rehab.  But what many don't know is the severity of such a diagnosis.  Making light of a diagnosable mental disorder by people who simply lack self-control is a slap in the face to the 3-5% of people in the U.S. who meet the criteria for sexual compulsion disorders (better known as sex addition). 

 What is sex addiction?

"The behavior of a person who has an unusually intense sex drive or an obsession with sex.  Sex and the thought of sex tend to dominate the sex addict's thinking, making it difficult to work or engage in healthy personal relationships" 

Sex addicts will attempt to justify their behavior through irrational means, making excuses and denying responsibility.  They engage in risky behaviors (unprotected sex, prostitution, exhibitionism, voyeurism), have the potential for breaking laws, and their behaviors get progressively worse.  Most sex addicts do not get sexual gratification from their behaviors. 

Other behaviors associated with sex addition:

  -excessive use of pornography/strip clubs

  -multiple partners

     (mostly anonymous one-night stands)

  -compulsive masturbation

  -phone/computer sex

  -obsessive dating through dating sites/want ads

  -sexual harrassment

  -molestation/rape  

Can it be treated?

Yes.  Sex addition is very similar to other addictions with regard to physiological, environmental, and emotional factors.  Addicts will participate in 12-step programs, individual and family therapy, behavioral therapies, and medication to treat their behavior.  

Source: The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH) 

Medicinenet.com

Do you think you may be a sex addict? Take the Male Sex Addiction Test or the Female Sex Addiction Test.  These tests do not diagnose sex addiction, but can be tools to determine if you need help.  

Need to find a therapist in your area?  http://www.therapistlocator.net/

      

The Truth About Infidelity (part 1)

In light of numerous high profile marriages being affected by infidelity in the media lately, I thought that I would begin a series (The Truth About Infidelity) on the topic.  What follows is the first installment.

According to the General Social Survey of men and women:
   76.4% think sex with someone other than your spouse is always wrong
   63.7% reported only having sex with their spouse while married
              Of those who had extramarital affairs:
              63.7% had sex with a friend
              30.8% had sex with an acquaintance
              33.8% had sex on a casual date
              2.3% paid for or were paid for sex

Additional statistics report that:
   41% (marriages) one or both admit physical or emotional infidelity
   57% of men admit to ever committing infidelity
   54% of women admit to ever committing infidelity
   74% of men would commit adultery if they could get away with it
   68% of women would commit adultery if they could get away with it
   36% admit to affair with co-worker
   36% admit infidelity on business trips
   17% admit infidelity with a brother-in-law or sister-in-law
                                   and
   31% of marriages survive after admission/discovery of an affair

Maintaining a Relationship with Your Ex?

Research reports that between 50-61% of people maintain a friendship with an ex-partner. In addition, 14% of men and 13% of women state that an ex is one of their CLOSEST friends. The decision to remain close to a partner from the past can depend on a few factors:

• The existence of a friendship before the romance
• How the break-up occurred (likelihood increases when break-up is initiated by men or is mutual)

In a study of cross-sex (male-female) friendships, researchers found that both men and women were more satisfied in relationships with people whom they HAD NOT previously dated. Relationships with exes had fewer rules, less positive, and more negative outcomes than platonic male-female relationships.

With outcomes like this, why do people continue seeing their exes?

One reason is romantic desire. People are more attracted to those they dated in comparison to those they have not. But, there are some gender differences. Women tend to have higher attraction to an ex than men who have equal attraction to both ex-partners and platonic friends.

Another reason is based on rewards. People keep in contact with exes based what they can get from that person (love, status, money, services, information).

The more satisfied you are with what you get from an ex, the more likely you will continue the relationship.

What does it all mean? Should people maintain relationships with their exes?

72% of men and 74% of women chose partner sexual infidelity with an ex as more devastating than partner sexual infidelity with a stranger. With regard to emotional infidelity, women still rated it distressful, but men not as much.

Exes-worth it or not?

A Cry For Help?

Is misbehavior a result of making bad choices or is it a cry for help? Should we hold people

accountable for doing unacceptable, immoral, unethical, or illegal things in order to garner outside attention? According to Jesse James, (estranged husband of Academy Award® winner Sandra Bullock) he was ashamed of his behavior (extramarital affairs) AND was hoping that he would get caught.

So, is bad behavior an act of self-sabotage?

The misbehavior of children is often explained by "acting out" due to attention-seeking, feelings of inadequacy, revenge, or exerting social power. Children garner some leeway depending on their age, cognitive ability and the act they commit. Should we apply the same to adults behaving badly?

Don't forget to watch Good Morning America on Tues., May 25th and Nightline for the full interview.