Divorce and Race

In 2008, 3% of all marriages were interracial with the highest #s being between a White individual & an individual of some other race.   Some say interracial marriages have a higher divorce rates due to pressures (society & family) facing the couple.   This is not necessarily true, although there is a relationship to race and divorce.

Interracial couples tend to get married later and have higher income (=lower risk) and they have bigger age and education differences (=higher risk). 


The biggest predictor of divorce appears to be the racial composition of husband and wife.  

In interracial marriages, couples who are:

• Asian/White are more likely to divorce than Asian/Asian 
• (depends) Black/White are more likely to divorce than White/White 
-White women/Black men couples are twice as likely to divorce as White/White couples        

-White husband/Black wife couples are 44% less likely to divorce than White/White couples
• Black/Black are more likely to divorce than White/White 

Sources: Marital Dissolution Among Interracial Couples  and 

"But Will it Last?": Marital Instability Among Interracial and Same-Race Couples

The Truth About Infidelity (part 4) - Risk During Marriage

Infidelity is more likely to occur during certain points in a marriage than others.  External pressures, stress, illness, even changes in society can affect a couples' risk for infidelity.

Risk of infidelity increases:

    After the 1st year of marriage

    Once the "honeymoon" period is technically over, marital couples settle   

    into everyday life with each other. Routines are established, partners become  

    comfortable, and the "lovely-dovey"  newlywed behavior is gone.  Many couples 

    do not continue to date and/or maintain pre-marital interactions that strengthen 

    their relationship.

    Once the first child is born

    Children bring joy and excitement to a marriage.  For first-time parents, the 

    worry and stress associated with parenting takes their focus off of the marital 

    relationship.  The child becomes the most important thing in the family.  Not able to 

    effectively deal with parental stress, couples' can increase their risk for divorce.

    Between year 5 and year 7

    Called the "seven year itch", this period occurs when daily routines and focus on children 

    can decrease the friendship, respect and love which once existed in the relationship.    

    Partners may look outside of the relationship for the excitement they felt during dating or 

    the first year of marriage.

    Middle age 

    There is some debate as to the validity of the "midlife crisis", in which individuals attempt 

    to recapture their youth.  What is true is that during this period, many evaluate their lives 

    and whether or not they reached long-term goals.  This process of change can cause stress 

    and conflict within the relationship increasing risk for divorce.  Also, as people are living 

    longer, more and more choose to live their final 30-40 years with someone new.

Source: Facts About Infidelity

       

Interactions that Lead to Divorce

In studying thousands of couples over more than 35 years, John Gottman, Ph.D. of The Gottman Relationship Institute (www.gottman.com), has uncovered four relationship interactions that lead to divorce.  Named the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, these communication patterns, if repeated over and over, have a 90% change of leading to divorce.

Criticism-making hurtful or judgmental statements to your partner

People use criticism to blame and attack their partners character.  The focus is on the person and not the undesirable behavior.  Criticism statements will begin with the words, "you always" or "you never".

Examples: "You always hurt my feelings",  "You never take me out anymore"

Contempt-intense negative interactions

Contempt accompanies or will follow criticism in a heated exchange.  Disrespectful statements meant to psychologically abuse a loved one display contempt.  Through verbal and non-verbal means, contempt sends the message of disgust and worthlessness to your partner.  

Examples: Sarcasm, hostile humor, mockery

Defensiveness-biological response to criticism and contempt

In the face verbal attacks loaded with criticism and contempt, people have a natural tendency to defend themselves.  Defensiveness occurs when the pain from being unfairly judged, blamed, and harassed reaches its emotional limit.  

Examples:  Denying responsibility, making excuses, repeating statements, and counter-complaining   

Stonewalling-another defensive tactic 

As the name implies, stonewalling occurs when a wall (physical or psychological) is up to block communication.  Used to diffuse conflict, stonewalling in reality escalates conflict.  The attacker then feels ignored or disrespected, responds with criticism, and the cycle continues.

Examples: Ignoring, leaving the room, physical barrier between you and your partner 

Although difficult to break, these patterns can be changed.  Working on communication and learning to focus on behavior and not character can slowly repair the damage.  Refer to the books below for additional information:   

  

Divorce After 40 Years

Many were stunned at the announcement of divorce for Al and Tipper Gore after 40 years of marriage. What could have gone wrong? Why would a couple divorce after being together for so many years?

Now that people are living longer these days (76 years for men & 81 years for women) we are seeing more divorces among those in the "baby boomer" generation. In addition to longevity, there are other reasons why marriages are ending after many years.

Staying Together for the Kids - Some couples make a conscious (or unconscious) decision to preserve the family and hang in there until the kids are out of the house. Often remaining in a cold and emotionless marriage these individuals feel that it would be too traumatic for children if they were to divorce.

Empty Nest Syndrome- Once children leave home, spouses are left with someone they have not spent much time with over the last 20 years or so. The focus is no longer on the children, but now back on the relationship. This transition can be uncomfortable or dissatisfying for some.

Growing Apart - It is expected that individuals are going to change over time. Whether for good or bad, these changes can affect marital relationships. Growing apart is often a factor in the empty nest syndrome, where over the years a couple has grown in different directions. Their goals, dreams, and life purposes may not include each other anymore.

Finances - With large representations in the workplace, women no longer rely on their husbands income for support. Some earn more money than their husbands, thereby having resources to support themselves if they decide to leave.


 

Divorce Rings and Wedding Ring Coffins

 

Rings with a gap to signify divorce and personally engraved coffins to store your wedding ring...is it just me or is this going a bit too far? (the links are to sites for each)

Story:Dealing with the Suffer-Ring

 

A Cry For Help?

Is misbehavior a result of making bad choices or is it a cry for help? Should we hold people

accountable for doing unacceptable, immoral, unethical, or illegal things in order to garner outside attention? According to Jesse James, (estranged husband of Academy Award® winner Sandra Bullock) he was ashamed of his behavior (extramarital affairs) AND was hoping that he would get caught.

So, is bad behavior an act of self-sabotage?

The misbehavior of children is often explained by "acting out" due to attention-seeking, feelings of inadequacy, revenge, or exerting social power. Children garner some leeway depending on their age, cognitive ability and the act they commit. Should we apply the same to adults behaving badly?

Don't forget to watch Good Morning America on Tues., May 25th and Nightline for the full interview.