Dating Your Spouse/Partner

People have a natural tendency to stop dating each other when they enter into a serious relationship.  They become comfortable with one another.  They decrease (or end) many of the behaviors which got them into the relationship in the first place.  With such common practice, it is no wonder why many are unfulfilled in long-term committed relationships.

Why do relationships change over time?  
Sage advice from my mother - "Do only those things in a relationship that you can/will continue in the long run." This statement resonates an important feature for most relationships.  If someone was worth the effort during the chase, why are they no longer worth the effort once they are caught?  

Research on conflict between couples highlights the loss of behavioral patterns that existed during courtship.  Couples who have been married for many years no longer act like newlyweds.  

They may rarely:

• Express genuine affection (hugs, kisses, love play)
• Show how much they appreciate each other (love notes, doing things for no reason)
• Display joy when they see each other (especially after being apart for some time)
• Work on their friendship (ask about goals, dreams, desires)
• Date (go out without children, share new experiences)
• Share positive feelings
• Surrender to let the other person win
• See sex as a fun activity instead of a chore
• Make their relationship a priority

Relationships are NOT EASY and they require HARD work full of emotion, thought, and action. This is especially true for long-term relationships.  Effort must continue throughout and it must be reciprocal with both continuing to woo each other (even if at different times) and not take each other for granted.  These are the things that make the beginning of relationships exciting and gratifying. 
   
How to continue dating your spouse/partner:

1. Practice the bulleted behaviors above 
2. Work on the Marriage Plan (even if you are not married) as a couple
3. Follow John Gottman's Magic Five Hours and the 5 to 1 Ratio of Couple Interactions
4. Enjoy each other!

Making Your Connections Authentic

I am now a guest blogger over at Stop Stressing Now, a website providing life-changing information to decrease stress and increase overall well-being.  To introduce my new authentic blogging relationship, I would like to refer you to an enlightening article on measuring your life's connections.

Read the Article

Tips For Improving Your Body Image

Body image refers to how we perceive our bodies, the control we feel over our body, and how we compare ourselves to others.  Our body image is not constant, it fluctuates on a spectrum between positive and negative.  Those with a positive body image have a realistic understanding of the size, shape and function of their bodies.  Others who have a distorted view and are anxious, shameful or guilty about their bodies struggle with a negative body image.

Approximately 80% of women and 50% of men report being dissatisfied with some part of their bodies.  Men and women differ as to to which body part causes the most concern:

Female complaints

• Breasts
• Thighs
• Stomach
• Nose
• Arms                                                                                                                                                         

Male complaints

• Hairline
• Stomach
• Nose
• Breasts

Most of us face some kind of dissatisfaction with our bodies at least once in a lifetime.  It is normal to have occasional doubts or slight issues with our appearance.  Problems develop when people have more bad days than good and experience  consistent stress and worry about their bodies. 

For those who do struggle with a negative body image, here are some tips to encourage a more authentic view of self:

Concentrate on your genes, NOT your jeans 

Not all of us were meant to be a size 0 and weigh 115 lbs.  A small frame will forever remain an unattainable goal for some.  Take into account the structure of your body (i.e., bones, muscle mass, where you carry weight) and assess your family members to determine what is possible for your body.  

Focus on health 

Instead of striving to be thin or to look like someone else, make being healthy your goal.  Regular exercise, proper nutrition, and adequate sleep will increase your metabolism and make you feel better about yourself.

Accentuate the positive

Instead of focusing on what is wrong, celebrate what is right.  What are the things that you do well? Highlighting positive qualities increases your mood which indirectly affects how you look and how you think you look.

Get a support system

Surround yourself with positive people.  Increase the time spent with those who validate you and who have a positive image of themselves.  Limit your exposure to toxic people who put you down and make you feel bad.

Say NO to negative images

Limit your exposure to media that values and promotes an unhealthy ideal.  Magazines, movies, and commercials can subconsciously make you feel bad and critical of your body.  For example,  when I watch t.v. I do not watch commercials.  I take this time to check the weather, get something from another room, or send a quick text message.  

All of these can help to slowly turn your negative body image into a more positive one.  They are also good for those with a positive image, in helping them keep up the good work.

    

                                                

What's Good for the Goose Is Good for the...Cougar

Demi Moore & Ashton Kutcher - 15 year age difference

Men dating women that are considerable younger than them is a widely accepted phenomenon in our society.  Although some scoff at these relationships, most are accustomed to seeing these types of May/December romances.  Many relationships like this exist as women are more likely to practice the "marriage gradient", a tendency to date/marry up with regard to income, height, weight, education level and age.  

Now the tables are turning and we are seeing more and more women dating younger men.  In fact, many women are now reporting that they prefer to date younger men.  AARP The Magazine conducted an online survey of people 40-69 and found that for women: 

• 35% complain about male baggage
• 23% did not know where to meet men and were meeting too few men
• 2% said sex on the first date is okay
• 35% prefer to date younger men 

Nick Cannon & Mariah Carey - 11 year age difference  

Increasing numbers of women dating younger men has not alleviated the stigma associated with this type of relationship.  It appears that women have more of an issue than men when discussing a relationship between an older woman and a younger man.  Attributing to this are stereotypes explaining why younger men would enter into such a relationship.  Younger men must be/have a:

The Mommy Complex:

The younger man is in need of a caretaker and dates older women as they are more domestic, nurturing, and caring.

Gigolo Joe:

A man will woo an older woman in the hopes of getting her retirement, pension, or insurance money.

                                                                                                                         

Secret Lover:

Secretly he is sexually attracted to older women and is addicted to dating them.

Second Time Around:

Most men lose their virginity to an older women.  Therefore, men who date older women are seeking to relive their first experience.

These stereotypes do not define most older woman/younger man relationships.  With increasing longevity, men and women see themselves as sexual beings for a longer period of time.  Divorce, not death of a spouse, is more older adults to enter into the dating scene.  Also, women, reaching their sexual peak later in life, are exploring different options and obviously having fun while doing it!