Using 7 C's to Be More Authentic

Lately, my mother has been reciting phrases (which include a series of C-words) when talking about situations that she has no control over.  These phrases help her focus, regain her personal rights and be able to say no when confronted with the thoughts or behavior of others.  I found these to be very enlightening and will include them below.

When you find yourself in a situation that you cannot control, tell yourself:

1. I didn't CAUSE it.
2. I can't CURE it.
3. I can't CONTROL it.
4. I can help CARE for myself by COMMUNICATING my feelings,
5. Making healthy CHOICES,
6. And by CELEBRATING myself.

These are coping mechanisms from the National Association for Children of Alcoholics to combat fault and guilt found in children of alcoholics.  In my opinion, we all can adapt these statements to increase our coping with difficult people, stressful situations, and everyday issues that we cannot control.

Recite these everyday until they are memorized, then refer to them in times of need.

The Truth About Infidelity (part 4) - Risk During Marriage

Infidelity is more likely to occur during certain points in a marriage than others.  External pressures, stress, illness, even changes in society can affect a couples' risk for infidelity.

Risk of infidelity increases:

    After the 1st year of marriage

    Once the "honeymoon" period is technically over, marital couples settle   

    into everyday life with each other. Routines are established, partners become  

    comfortable, and the "lovely-dovey"  newlywed behavior is gone.  Many couples 

    do not continue to date and/or maintain pre-marital interactions that strengthen 

    their relationship.

    Once the first child is born

    Children bring joy and excitement to a marriage.  For first-time parents, the 

    worry and stress associated with parenting takes their focus off of the marital 

    relationship.  The child becomes the most important thing in the family.  Not able to 

    effectively deal with parental stress, couples' can increase their risk for divorce.

    Between year 5 and year 7

    Called the "seven year itch", this period occurs when daily routines and focus on children 

    can decrease the friendship, respect and love which once existed in the relationship.    

    Partners may look outside of the relationship for the excitement they felt during dating or 

    the first year of marriage.

    Middle age 

    There is some debate as to the validity of the "midlife crisis", in which individuals attempt 

    to recapture their youth.  What is true is that during this period, many evaluate their lives 

    and whether or not they reached long-term goals.  This process of change can cause stress 

    and conflict within the relationship increasing risk for divorce.  Also, as people are living 

    longer, more and more choose to live their final 30-40 years with someone new.

Source: Facts About Infidelity

       

Finding Your Relationship Deal-Breakers

Deal-breakers are those things (character traits, lifestyle choices, behavior, etc.) in a relationship that can end the relationship.  Some people have very specific deal-breakers and others have general ways of evaluating whether or not they will continue a relationship.  

Common relationship deal-breakers:

• Domestic violence 
• Infidelity
• Change in sexual orientation
• Criminal activity
• Substance abuse
• Poor financial habits
• Dishonesty
• Undesirable personality traits
• i.e., anger, jealousy, uncleanliness, conceit, etc.

It is a good idea to know your deal-breakers BEFORE entering into a relationship.  Upon meeting a potential mate, stick to your deal-breakers and DO NOT excuse them or assume your mate will eventually change. 

Steps to identifying your own relationship deal-breakers:

    Make a list 

    Write down all the things you can think of that you CANNOT tolerate in a     

    relationship.  This may take some time as it requires thinking of situations  

    that you have and have not experienced.  Get inspired by others using 

    situations from friends and family, and examples from the media.

    Revise your list 

    Most of us have just a few true deal-breakers.  The rest of our lists would 

    include dislikes, or traits we would rather not have to deal with.  But 

    remember that authentic relationships require work.  Our loved ones have 

    flaws, as do we, therefore many unwanted behaviors will not be deal-

    breakers.

    Follow your list

    Accepting or ignoring deal-breakers will inevitably lead to relationship 

    dissatisfaction.  No relationship is worth overlooking your deal-breakers 

    no matter how attractive, nice, or attentive a someone may be. 

If you have already established your deal-breakers, please comment and let us know what they are.

  

Things You Should NOT Do on a First Date

Dating rules are driven by societal norms, popular trends, and even advances in technology. Although the specifics may change with each generation, common standards exist and should be followed.

On a first date, DO NOT:

1. Talk about your ex or other past relationships: This should be self-explanatory, but many make this mistake.  Spending time discussing a past love may send the message that you are not over them and/or not into your current date.  If you are asked by your date, simply say, "We were just not right for each other" and change the subject.  
2. Play with your cell phone: Resist the urge to text/call others (except for emergencies), update Facebook or Twitter, check stock portfolios, or play a newly downloaded game.  Being nervous, disinterested or disrespectful does not send a good first impression.  If the date is so bad that you want to do these things, end it and enjoy the rest of your day/night.
3. Go to the movies: Sitting in the dark for 2 hours is not a good way to get to know someone.  It is a common dating option, but there are betters ways to spend time with someone new.
4. Refer to yourself in the 3rd person: A technique right out of a bad 80s "B" movie, there is no quicker way to turn someone off.  
5. MEN - Refuse to pay: Just because it's 2010, doesn't mean that acting like Prince Charming is passé.  It is customary, and has been for centuries, that the man pays for the first date.  And ladies...expect this to happen and let it happen.  Most guys report they expect to pay and feel it is their duty.       
6. WOMEN - Choose a salad if you usually order steak: A mistake many women make in an attempt to portray a dainty, health conscious image.  Men would rather date a woman who is not afraid to eat and does not obsess over every calorie.
7. Arrive late (unless you let them know): Ever heard the saying, "You never get a second chance to make a first impression"?  Being late is a good way to show someone how much you care...about yourself!
8. Take them to meet your friends or family: This one is easy and everyone knows it right? No. You would be amazed how often this happens.  A strong connection and feeling like you've known this person forever makes it okay to break this rule.  If you believe that, then you are just as crazy as they are.  Run Forrest Run!
9. Drink too much: Unless you want to look like you have an addiction, embarrass yourself, or put yourself at risk for bad behavior (and the unwanted consequences), stick to a two drink maximum.
10. Forget to tell someone of your plans: Dating is fun, but it can also be dangerous. Men and women should tell someone their whereabouts, so it is okay to break rule #2 if plans change.

I am sure there are many more first date no-nos, and would love to hear your suggestions.