5 Things You Should NOT Say In Any Relationship

Advice for friendships, intimate relationships, family relationships, etc.

1. I don't care.

This one is pretty self-explanatory. Either you are hiding your true thoughts or you really don't care.  If it's the latter, you should rethink the relationship.

2. I hate you.

Hate is a strong emotion that is very similar to love.  Therefore, hating someone is in a sense loving them.  Deal with why you are having negative emotions as a result of loving that person.

3. Why are you in my life?

YOU are the only one who can answer this question.  And if you are asking it, do you REALLY need an answer or do you already have one? 

4. Actions speak louder than words.

Oh, yeah? Then why are you speaking and not acting?  This statement makes you look as if you are trying to convince yourself.   

5. It's not you, it's me.

If this were true, then the other person would be ending the relationship.  Be honest and state why you want the relationship to end. 

The Truth About Infidelity (part 3) - To Tell or Not To Tell?

Would you tell your partner that you had an affair?

In a recent study on infidelity:

-Women are more likely to admit

-Women are more likely to end a relationship after they are unfaithful

-Women are more likely to begin a relationship with the person they had an affair with

-Men on average have more affairs than women

Some say honesty is the best policy while others think confessions are only good for the guilty.  Do people admit affairs to repair their relationships and gain forgiveness from their partners or do they admit affairs to clear their own conscience?

The reasons why people admit affair are varied and depend on many different motives:

     Regret - ashamed of behavior and confess out of 

                   obligation to partner

     Absolution - to forgive themselves some need                                      forgiveness from their partner

     Discontent - due to misery, confession is given 

                   hoping that relationship will end 

     Fear - admission due to anxiety that the truth will

                   eventually surface 

Yet, there are reasons why people choose to keep an affair secret:

     Worry- admission may end the relationship so some 

     Indifference - not caring whether relationship lasts or

               not, but silence keeps the peace

     Fear - information about affair may cause partner to

               seek revenge and have an affair themselves

     Status Quo- keep quiet because conflict resulting from 

               admission is undesirable

     History - it is not worth it to admit a one-time mistake 

               that will not happen again

In the end, is it better to tell the truth?  

Would you rather your partner tell you about an affair or keep it a secret?




Source: Brand, R. J., Markey, C. M., Mills, A. & Hodges, S. D. (2007) Sex differences in self-reported infidelity and it correlates. Sex Roles, 57, 101-109.

Interactions that Lead to Divorce

In studying thousands of couples over more than 35 years, John Gottman, Ph.D. of The Gottman Relationship Institute (www.gottman.com), has uncovered four relationship interactions that lead to divorce.  Named the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, these communication patterns, if repeated over and over, have a 90% change of leading to divorce.

Criticism-making hurtful or judgmental statements to your partner

People use criticism to blame and attack their partners character.  The focus is on the person and not the undesirable behavior.  Criticism statements will begin with the words, "you always" or "you never".

Examples: "You always hurt my feelings",  "You never take me out anymore"

Contempt-intense negative interactions

Contempt accompanies or will follow criticism in a heated exchange.  Disrespectful statements meant to psychologically abuse a loved one display contempt.  Through verbal and non-verbal means, contempt sends the message of disgust and worthlessness to your partner.  

Examples: Sarcasm, hostile humor, mockery

Defensiveness-biological response to criticism and contempt

In the face verbal attacks loaded with criticism and contempt, people have a natural tendency to defend themselves.  Defensiveness occurs when the pain from being unfairly judged, blamed, and harassed reaches its emotional limit.  

Examples:  Denying responsibility, making excuses, repeating statements, and counter-complaining   

Stonewalling-another defensive tactic 

As the name implies, stonewalling occurs when a wall (physical or psychological) is up to block communication.  Used to diffuse conflict, stonewalling in reality escalates conflict.  The attacker then feels ignored or disrespected, responds with criticism, and the cycle continues.

Examples: Ignoring, leaving the room, physical barrier between you and your partner 

Although difficult to break, these patterns can be changed.  Working on communication and learning to focus on behavior and not character can slowly repair the damage.  Refer to the books below for additional information:   

  

Are Women Catty?

Female-female interactions are called 'catty' when we see statements such as the one in the above video.  Whether in private or public like Carly Fiorina's remarks, women make statements about other women that appear petty and childish.  They are considered catty when negative and about another woman's physical appearance, lifestyle choices, parenting or dating techniques, attitude...

Some argue that this type of communication is not catty, but merely light banter between females.  Suggesting that it is similar to the insult exchange found in male relationships, some insist the word catty is used only based on gender.  Most explanations for the frequency and severity of comments are based on cultural expectations and gender socialization of women in the U.S.    

Competition - Historically women have been socialized to believe that much of their worth is based on superficial characteristics like appearance.  The beauty industry makes billions of dollars each year exploiting this aspect of female culture.  Therefore, women are constantly on the search to gain an upper hand in the beauty department.  What better way to make yourself look better than to point out the flaws in your "competition", right? 

Stereotypes - In naming certain types of female behavior catty, society has thereby accepted and encouraged these behaviors.  Some find it cute when little girls act "catty".  They are taught to stand up for themselves and "fight back" with words and deeds because they are not supposed to express negative emotions in a physical manner.  So instead of learning to negotiate friendships, girls learn at an earlier age how to manipulate, plot revenge, and hurt each others feelings. 

Role Models - Similar to stereotypes, many women emulate what they see in those they look up to (family members, friends, women in the community, celebrities).  Behavior, good or bad, is viewed differently when coming from someone that is admired.  Called the "halo effect", people tend to see only the positive and/or view behaviors in positive light if they look up to someone.  Even bad behavior appears positive due to our opinion of people we hold in high esteem.

In the end, are women really catty or the victims of gender stereotyping?