Interactions that Lead to Divorce

In studying thousands of couples over more than 35 years, John Gottman, Ph.D. of The Gottman Relationship Institute (www.gottman.com), has uncovered four relationship interactions that lead to divorce.  Named the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, these communication patterns, if repeated over and over, have a 90% change of leading to divorce.

Criticism-making hurtful or judgmental statements to your partner

People use criticism to blame and attack their partners character.  The focus is on the person and not the undesirable behavior.  Criticism statements will begin with the words, "you always" or "you never".

Examples: "You always hurt my feelings",  "You never take me out anymore"

Contempt-intense negative interactions

Contempt accompanies or will follow criticism in a heated exchange.  Disrespectful statements meant to psychologically abuse a loved one display contempt.  Through verbal and non-verbal means, contempt sends the message of disgust and worthlessness to your partner.  

Examples: Sarcasm, hostile humor, mockery

Defensiveness-biological response to criticism and contempt

In the face verbal attacks loaded with criticism and contempt, people have a natural tendency to defend themselves.  Defensiveness occurs when the pain from being unfairly judged, blamed, and harassed reaches its emotional limit.  

Examples:  Denying responsibility, making excuses, repeating statements, and counter-complaining   

Stonewalling-another defensive tactic 

As the name implies, stonewalling occurs when a wall (physical or psychological) is up to block communication.  Used to diffuse conflict, stonewalling in reality escalates conflict.  The attacker then feels ignored or disrespected, responds with criticism, and the cycle continues.

Examples: Ignoring, leaving the room, physical barrier between you and your partner 

Although difficult to break, these patterns can be changed.  Working on communication and learning to focus on behavior and not character can slowly repair the damage.  Refer to the books below for additional information:   

  

Are Women Catty?

Female-female interactions are called 'catty' when we see statements such as the one in the above video.  Whether in private or public like Carly Fiorina's remarks, women make statements about other women that appear petty and childish.  They are considered catty when negative and about another woman's physical appearance, lifestyle choices, parenting or dating techniques, attitude...

Some argue that this type of communication is not catty, but merely light banter between females.  Suggesting that it is similar to the insult exchange found in male relationships, some insist the word catty is used only based on gender.  Most explanations for the frequency and severity of comments are based on cultural expectations and gender socialization of women in the U.S.    

Competition - Historically women have been socialized to believe that much of their worth is based on superficial characteristics like appearance.  The beauty industry makes billions of dollars each year exploiting this aspect of female culture.  Therefore, women are constantly on the search to gain an upper hand in the beauty department.  What better way to make yourself look better than to point out the flaws in your "competition", right? 

Stereotypes - In naming certain types of female behavior catty, society has thereby accepted and encouraged these behaviors.  Some find it cute when little girls act "catty".  They are taught to stand up for themselves and "fight back" with words and deeds because they are not supposed to express negative emotions in a physical manner.  So instead of learning to negotiate friendships, girls learn at an earlier age how to manipulate, plot revenge, and hurt each others feelings. 

Role Models - Similar to stereotypes, many women emulate what they see in those they look up to (family members, friends, women in the community, celebrities).  Behavior, good or bad, is viewed differently when coming from someone that is admired.  Called the "halo effect", people tend to see only the positive and/or view behaviors in positive light if they look up to someone.  Even bad behavior appears positive due to our opinion of people we hold in high esteem.

In the end, are women really catty or the victims of gender stereotyping?

 

Children Who Abuse Parents

The number of children who abuse their parents is small yet significant.  According to the Bureau of Justice Statistics more than 9,000 crimes of violence against parents (3,380 completed acts and 5,750 threats) occurred in 2007.

Parental abuse, also called silent abuse, often goes unreported due to the shame and guilt felt by abused parents.  Parents feel they cannot reveal this family secret because their child may be punished/taken from the home and their parenting skills may be questioned.  The vast majority of parental abuse involves a male child abusing his mother or stepmother.  Abuse usually begins when the child is 12-16 years old and severity depends on the child's strength.  Stronger children rely on verbal abuse (threats, intimidation, manipulation) whereas weaker children use more physical forms (biting, hitting, kicking). 

 

Research highlights contributors to parental abuse:

- Role models of masculinity based on power and control

- Witnessing a father/partner/male abuse women

- Children who were physically or sexually abused themselves

- Controlling or overly indulgent parenting practices

- Poverty or extreme poverty

- High levels of stress

- Mental health issues (schizophrenia, bipolar, ADD, learning disabilities)

- Substance abuse

- Children who had been bullied by peers

What can parents do if their children become violent?

Safety - The first priority is safety for the parent and the child.  Parents should seek a safe environment just like any victim of an abusive situation.  

Seek help - It is important to resist the urge to keep the abuse a secret and/or feel responsible for the behavior.  Parental abuse is not going to disappear on its own and there is a high likelihood that it will increase. Qualified professionals can intervene and provide crisis management.  

Be patient - Repairing the parental-child relationship will take time. Parents will need to process their own emotions about the abuse while children receive necessary intervention.  Have realistic goals of how and when the relationship will get better.

Resources:

Local Sheriff's Office or Extension office: http://www.csrees.usda.gov/Extension/

National Domestic Violence Hotline http://www.ndvh.org/

Source: Adolescent to Parent Abuse 

Are You Kidding Me? Child Leashes...

A friend and I were in a store the other day when we stumbled upon one of those child leashes shaped like a teddy bear.  A conversation began, filled with insight and many jokes, about the type of parent who would use one of these.

We have all seen children out in public running around and misbehaving while parents ignore or encourage the behavior.  Some of us have fought the urge to intervene, while others made their opinion known.  Despite whatever undesireable behavior we may see in a child, can anyone in their right mind agree with putting a child on a leash?

A child on a leash demonstrates lacking skills on behalf of the parent NOT the poor behavior of a child.  It is inhumane, degrading, and down-right lazy to put your child on a leash.  Leashes were created to control domesticated animals...pets who at times lack decision-making capabilities to remain near their owners.  It is to protect the pet and those who come in contact with it.

So who's bright idea was it to apply this technique to toddlers?

I have a better idea, take the $25 you were going to spend on the leash and enroll in a parenting class!

Any thoughts?